What is depression to you?

So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;

  • Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
  • Tiredness
  • Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them 
  • Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
  • Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
  • Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind 
  • Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
  • Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
  • Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.

So there it is… thats my depression.

I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.

 I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere

Until tomorrow

Xo


The face

This is the face of someone just sliding through life.

Exsisting by a miracle, 

Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread

Feels nothing anymore

A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function

A shell. A vessel. A parasite

Death

Death is no longer something i fear.

I fear the apprehension, IE; knowing you are going to die 

But the event itself does not scare me.

We live in a truly beautiful world and there is so much i want to see, do & explore, but I just dont see any hope in the future.

My plan is in motion yet I still feel nothing, no fear, no guilt, no anger just numbness.

I called lifeline last night who managed to distract me from self harming 

And I will try one more time, if I get refered to a&e I will see what happens, If I get failed once more im going to do it.

Leaving my children breaks my heart but they deserve a stable family, not someone who is so depressed they can barely take care of themselves.

So it looks like this may not be a 365 day blog challenge afterall I guess it depends on the outcome of the services.

SIDE NOTE i do not plan on doing anything tonight for now I am safe.

Failing

Im failing.

Im failing at being a wife

Im failing at blogging

Im failing at motherhood

Im failing Me

Im failing my family

Im failing at work

Im failing at being a friend

Im failing to maintain appointments

Im failing at losing weight

Im failing at life

Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.

I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.

I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?

What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.

Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.