So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;
- Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
- Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them
- Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
- Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
- Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind
- Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
- Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
- Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.
So there it is… thats my depression.
I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.
I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere
This is the face of someone just sliding through life.
Exsisting by a miracle,
Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread
Feels nothing anymore
A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function
A shell. A vessel. A parasite
Im failing at being a wife
Im failing at blogging
Im failing at motherhood
Im failing Me
Im failing my family
Im failing at work
Im failing at being a friend
Im failing to maintain appointments
Im failing at losing weight
Im failing at life
Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.
I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.
I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?
What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.
Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.
I know i know iv been really slacking lately!! Ive been so exhausted i think its the meds my sertraline has been increased and I feel like im becoming that lifeless zombie again.
Im back on POF and am on Badoo and iv actually met some really decent people even if it only is 3 out of like 100s they seem genuine and even if theres nothing romantic its good to have new friends.
In other news the kids are away on tuesday for 3 weeks, and during that time im converting my daughters room into a joint room for her and my son, and there dad can have my sons room.
He refuses to leave so this is the next best thing i cant move on while sharing a bed with my ex, im also going to be filing for.divorce.
Im still on sick due back on the 2nd and im just gunner keep my head down and work and make money.
In the meantime il maybe have some harmless fun 😉
Today has been pretty pointless, applied for more jobs, tidied up a little,
Had a headache so I took 2x 30/500 cocodamol with this tablet that apparently makes medication work faster, 2 glasses of Lambrini later im exhausted!! Double vision the lot.
I keep getting urges to go out and party and put myself in dangerous situations but the lack of money prevents that which i suppose is a good thing, im not sure if i want sex, or to just be close to someone. Primarily my husband.
Not had much of an appetite either today, spoke to my manager she confirmed my net pay this month is just over £1000 but next month my sickness will be deducted so i need to get my arse in gear.
Not much else to report tbh dont think il be long going to bed
Mood is still low dont wana be here.
First up RIP to Chester Bennington the lead singer of Linkin Park, apparently he hung himself,
So fucking sad but really puts things into perspective, he left 6 kids behind and no1 knew what was going through his mind to cause him to commit suicide.
It brings me to my next subject, which is, ironically suicidal feelings, the last few days iv been having feelings that I just dont want to be here anymore, im disgusted with how my life has turned out infact it is no life.
I handed in a 2 week sickline today to my other manager who is absolutley lovely, no matter how busy work gets and how stressed she is she is ALWAYS polite. Luckily the other one wasnt in today, she fills me with dread, i feel sick at the thought of going in there when initially it was a job I wanted so badly, and still do, I just cannot handle her i have never experienced anyone (beside my soon to be ex husband) who makes me feel this way.
I have applied for multiple jobs I have an interview with William Hill on the 1st, I also have a taster day with princes trust in regards to getting onto their “into security” course, they cover EVERYTHING SIA license, the lot.
So I need to decide what I want to do tbh, and I have my assesment with college on 17th august rgd an access course which will help me on my way to uni.
Guess there are alot of positives however the lack of money is becoming a concern, my first wage is due on the 28th so a week left….im not expecting much.
I never thought id get to this stage again, went to the GP today and surprise surprise, got a fucking sickline.
My manager has told me more or less i will be dismissed due to this, im beyond devestated, when i started this role i thought it was a new career direction but straight away the manager changed from being seemingly lovely to just very rude and patronising amongst other things.
Im not one to pass blame but she is the primary reason im off again, the way she speaks to me and treats me is very subtle but intense.
I must be applying for 15+ jobs daily just hoping for anything,
Im DREADING my salary on the 28th i bet il harldy get anything, probably not even enough to pay my rent so then what?
Im going to have to apply for every benefit going i just cannot believe this is happening to me again.
Why do I even bother living? Infact why do I bother exsisting? This isnt living.