This is the face of someone just sliding through life.
Exsisting by a miracle,
Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread
Feels nothing anymore
A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function
A shell. A vessel. A parasite
I know i know iv been really slacking lately!! Ive been so exhausted i think its the meds my sertraline has been increased and I feel like im becoming that lifeless zombie again.
Im back on POF and am on Badoo and iv actually met some really decent people even if it only is 3 out of like 100s they seem genuine and even if theres nothing romantic its good to have new friends.
In other news the kids are away on tuesday for 3 weeks, and during that time im converting my daughters room into a joint room for her and my son, and there dad can have my sons room.
He refuses to leave so this is the next best thing i cant move on while sharing a bed with my ex, im also going to be filing for.divorce.
Im still on sick due back on the 2nd and im just gunner keep my head down and work and make money.
In the meantime il maybe have some harmless fun 😉
Today has been pretty pointless, applied for more jobs, tidied up a little,
Had a headache so I took 2x 30/500 cocodamol with this tablet that apparently makes medication work faster, 2 glasses of Lambrini later im exhausted!! Double vision the lot.
I keep getting urges to go out and party and put myself in dangerous situations but the lack of money prevents that which i suppose is a good thing, im not sure if i want sex, or to just be close to someone. Primarily my husband.
Not had much of an appetite either today, spoke to my manager she confirmed my net pay this month is just over £1000 but next month my sickness will be deducted so i need to get my arse in gear.
Not much else to report tbh dont think il be long going to bed
Mood is still low dont wana be here.
First up RIP to Chester Bennington the lead singer of Linkin Park, apparently he hung himself,
So fucking sad but really puts things into perspective, he left 6 kids behind and no1 knew what was going through his mind to cause him to commit suicide.
It brings me to my next subject, which is, ironically suicidal feelings, the last few days iv been having feelings that I just dont want to be here anymore, im disgusted with how my life has turned out infact it is no life.
I handed in a 2 week sickline today to my other manager who is absolutley lovely, no matter how busy work gets and how stressed she is she is ALWAYS polite. Luckily the other one wasnt in today, she fills me with dread, i feel sick at the thought of going in there when initially it was a job I wanted so badly, and still do, I just cannot handle her i have never experienced anyone (beside my soon to be ex husband) who makes me feel this way.
I have applied for multiple jobs I have an interview with William Hill on the 1st, I also have a taster day with princes trust in regards to getting onto their “into security” course, they cover EVERYTHING SIA license, the lot.
So I need to decide what I want to do tbh, and I have my assesment with college on 17th august rgd an access course which will help me on my way to uni.
Guess there are alot of positives however the lack of money is becoming a concern, my first wage is due on the 28th so a week left….im not expecting much.
So im sorry iv been inactive…iv not had a good few days tbh.
Things are just going from bad to worse. I joined plenty of fish because im lonely iv no real friends so its nice to have people to talk to although i feel like a loser so im going to delete my profile.
Guess im just not meant to be happy.
Sorry folks cant really say much more atm been off sick from work again anxiety has been through the roof just feel like shit.
Well today was relativly boring, i got blood tests, my son got his jabs, i had a mcdonalds, went to the park and did a bit of shopping
Its nearly wednesday which means one day and i am back at work, i dread going to work here more than i did in the call center.
I got myself 2 bottles of wine, i doubt il get to even have one glass, no doubt the kids will wake up and there dad is out djing till 3am ish…
I got my cradle of filth ticket today
Im really looking forward to seeing them i missed them last year when they were here so im buzzed about this… the first song from their new album dropped today its incredible.
I know they are not everyones taste but I really like them.
My anxiety tonight is through the roof i hate it. I feel really lonely i have no friends to call on or just chill with.
Im happy being an introvert but i do miss being around people
Other than that there really isnt much to report
Why is nothing straight forward!!!
Anyway apologies that I didnt post last night, was so tired, tonight I feel just as tired.
I really want to start writing a book but I just dont know how to begin, everything in life is complicated.
Anyway enough of my moaning I got my hair back to its natural colour
I only used 1 box of colour b4 and I have 2 rich copper gold hair dyes en route but Im not even sure I want to dye it tbh. Im just glad after 2+ years to see the back of my dark hair!!
Im back to work on thurs and typically my CPN has arranged to see me as i have been struggling so I have to hope she can meet me on my lunchbreak or else im fucked.
Nothing interesting has happened at all… iv been watching AHS asylum and playing crash bandicoot.
Boring life i lead.