So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;
- Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
- Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them
- Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
- Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
- Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind
- Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
- Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
- Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.
So there it is… thats my depression.
I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.
I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere
This is the face of someone just sliding through life.
Exsisting by a miracle,
Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread
Feels nothing anymore
A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function
A shell. A vessel. A parasite
Today has been pretty pointless, applied for more jobs, tidied up a little,
Had a headache so I took 2x 30/500 cocodamol with this tablet that apparently makes medication work faster, 2 glasses of Lambrini later im exhausted!! Double vision the lot.
I keep getting urges to go out and party and put myself in dangerous situations but the lack of money prevents that which i suppose is a good thing, im not sure if i want sex, or to just be close to someone. Primarily my husband.
Not had much of an appetite either today, spoke to my manager she confirmed my net pay this month is just over £1000 but next month my sickness will be deducted so i need to get my arse in gear.
Not much else to report tbh dont think il be long going to bed
Mood is still low dont wana be here.
*side note i wrote this last night and am seriously considering writing a book about my ; mental health, phsyical health and everything in between, whats your honest opinion?*
Sometimes its days, weeks even months.
Things go good, the world seems brighter, I feel more happiness and during these times, I always feel the bad times will never return, that eternal, suffocating darkness will never come back
I will never again experience the awful thoughts, the inability to feel feelings as others do, the numbness that takes over the heart and mind and every inch of my body.
Thats a dangerous way to think, the truth is, living with mental health problems is an eternal hell, its the worst form of suffering where you are led into a false sense of security and serentity,
Only to realise that no matter what you do, how hard you try you will never be free of the darkness.
Those demons never leave you, they wait until you least expect it and drain every inch of life from you until your close to the end, you see stars, you begin to let go.
Then they stop..suddenly for the cycle to start over again. You no longer belong to yourself, your life is yours no more
Welcome to my world, welcome to my mind,- Chelsea Colquhoune.
Seriously as if my son falling and giving himself a black eye yday wasnt bad enough today my daughter fell off her scooter and grazed her chin what is it with children and accidents?!
Well its nearly 6pm that means the kids dad is home soon and im relieved of parenting duties and can get stuck into my wine while im in the bath wish i didnt have this meeting tomorrow ! Such an inconvienience having to drag my poor son along esp with his gammy eye.
Iv not slept too well the last couple of days and despite how great things are going for me i feel a bit low and snappy, im not sure if its the whole tidying 24/7 the fact that I NEED a new sofa as my current one is awful or just a bit of nerves about next week not to mention il probably not get paid till end of July so im worrying about the transition to this new job but once i get my first wage itl be worth it!
I dont think im in the best mood today, i needed some good food so im making turkey sausages, chips and veg with curry sauce im actually sick of takeaways°
Well nothing else to report.
Today has been great! I completed my parapsychology course just awaiting my assesment results!
Also I checked my emails and my contract came through!! So excited that It is all set in stone but now im really nervous iv never wanted a job this much im going to make sure it goes well, its a 9 month contract but the manager said chances are il get kept on after the 9 months as most employees do.
Not even just that but my title is TRAINEE DISPENSER (pharmacy assistant) i feel so professional and the salary is well over what I expected so overall I am so happy with how everything has turned out.
Other than that one awful part of this evening is my beautiful LB fell on one of his toys and has given himself a huge shiner 😭 it breaks my heart seeing him injured hes fine in himself hes asked for kfc and chocolate milkshake for dinner (which ofc his daddy got him) and his chilling watching a movie, hes such a trooper but also the clumsiest kid i know, i only got his haircut yday as it was getting in his eyes lol.
I have to pay £300 deposit on the 19th for the nursery which looks incredible! But its £1100pm!!! According to HMRC they pay up to 78% of the weekly fee so that makes it around £350 that il be paying each month, which is managable and having the peice of mind knowing they are well looked after and I am studying and working towards my career
I know alot of parents dont agree in full time childcare but it will benefit them as they will have more social interaction and during weekends well enjoy our quality time even more
I almost forgot to post tonight MY BAD.
Had a busy day, after dropping my daughter to school i took my son for his nursery induction which went really well.
Then I did some food shopping, picked my daughter up and got my sons haircut he looks so handsome!
I enquired about a few after/before school day cares want to know how much each month….£1000 i am going to have to go with it and apparently working tax pay up to 78% of the childcare costs i just need to find the £300 deposit which will be easier said than done as i have no wages this month.
Its going to be stressful until i get my first wage, but after the summer hols i need the kids in daycare so i can work and get some free time , also I have decided i am going to start driving lessons i am going to apply for my provisional and i aim to be on the road by december.
There really isnt much else to tell you, i have a busy day on monday with meetings fun !
But i cannot wait until the 19th to start my new job and the fact that i never have to step foot in that miserable place again
And am i the only one who keeps feeling Christmassy?! I dont know what it is I just keep feeling like its nearly halloween then christmas but there both months away 😅.
So gutted im missing download festival so many amazing bands Im hoping to go next year even though I have said that for the last 2 years :(.
The bells are ringing out, for christmas day. 🤣