The face

This is the face of someone just sliding through life.

Exsisting by a miracle, 

Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread

Feels nothing anymore

A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function

A shell. A vessel. A parasite

Iv become so numb I cant feel you here

First up RIP to Chester Bennington the lead singer of Linkin Park, apparently he hung himself, 

So fucking sad but really puts things into perspective, he left 6 kids behind and no1 knew what was going through his mind to cause him to commit suicide.

It brings me to my next subject, which is, ironically suicidal feelings, the last few days iv been having feelings that I just dont want to be here anymore, im disgusted with how my life has turned out infact it is no life.

I handed in a 2 week sickline today to my other manager who is absolutley lovely, no matter how busy work gets and how stressed she is she is ALWAYS polite. Luckily the other one wasnt in today, she fills me with dread, i feel sick at the thought of going in there when initially it was a job I wanted so badly, and still do, I just cannot handle her i have never experienced anyone (beside my soon to be ex husband) who makes me feel this way.

I have applied for multiple jobs I have an interview with William Hill on the 1st, I also have a taster day with princes trust in regards to getting onto their “into security” course, they cover EVERYTHING SIA license, the lot.

So I need to decide what I want to do tbh, and I have my assesment with college on 17th august rgd an access course which will help me on my way to uni.

Guess there are alot of positives however the lack of money is becoming a concern, my first wage is due on the 28th so a week left….im not expecting much.

Until tomorrow

Xo

Today hasnt been great then again, lately I feel iv lost the definition of a “good day” i dont feel down per say, just stressed, exhausted from the meds, and have a headache.

Im struggling alot balancing children and my life and its getting to me,

My anxiety prevents me from doing alot and the kids are just so badly behaved and rude to me it just saps my motivation.

I stripped my hair today and its gone a really nice colour just hope it stays this way! Its been so many years since I had light hair I dont know what to make of it lol.

Its a work in progress I guess. Just like everything else, its 7pm and still really sunny which is annoying as I just want to go to bed.

Nothing else interesting to report.

Until tomorrow

Xo

I dont fucking understand.

I technically have everything I should want a job, beautiful kids, a nice home yet I feel so fucking empty!!

Its like nothing is enough, not saying that nothing is good enough for me, thats a different ball game I just feel unfullfiled.

Im going to book 10 days in Iceland in November it sounds fucking perfect for me, icy cold, beautiful scenery, nature, long walks, log cabin its just what I need I came across it whilst looking for holidays with low terror threat (i panic easy) and I never realised how stunning it was.

Also i am going to book a long weekend in Amsterdam I need to clear my head and cycling through town, stoned sounds pretty good too me.

I feel really low tonight, back to work tomorrow the sense of dread I feel confuses me, I wanted this job so bad so why do I feel so useless and below everyone, i dont deserve the job.

Right now I dont feel I deserve life, i emptied all my tablets out earlier I have mood stabilisers, pregablin, morphine pills, 5 kinds of anti depressants, loads of 30/500 cocodamol, sleeping pills, tramadol you name it…i couldnt help but think…”this would get the job done” how did i end up back here again? What the fuck is wrong with me I just want to feel normal emotion in normal doses.

Kids dad isnt working tomorrow so when i finish im going somewhere anywhere but here.

I cant take these feelings.

I threw away all my blades tonight which was a big step for me, i havent self harmed in around 3 weeks i fucked that up too, 

My psyc thinks im refusing help cause I dont want to medicated.

Maybe i need to be medicated.

I just dont know anymore.

I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection- jax teller

Could have been a worse day

Today went better than expected I guess… I havent really got much to say.

Iv just watched the SAS:who dares wins and its made me realise how much I regret not joining the British Army it was my dream career since I was 14 … I was SO close to getting in I went to selection failed my run by a few seconds but I could have easily taken that time off.

Then I went on to study Uniformed Public Services our tutor was a triathlete and super motivating my fitness shot up if id have gone to selection there and then Id have passed.

But during army running club I met my “husband” who was also joining I should have stayed away and kept focus but I didnt… I fell in love and supported him during his army career whilst mine got further and further away.

Im so stupid. If I could change anything and go back to being around 13 id be the BIGGEST teachers pet, get super fit, joing AFC harrogate straight from school smash the course and join Engineers never getting married nor having children.

I wanted to become a Cpl, I wanted to do the PTI course, I wanted to specialise in EOD, I wanted to absorb every little thing the Army had to offer me but I threw it all away for nothing.

If I can share my most important life lesson it would be, once something is done, you cant change it so think very carefully about any choices you make.

If id have joined id have never been this overweight and would never have developed IIH, in turn id never have experienced BPD or self harm.

I could have had a life. Now I dont know what I want to do, I know I want to get fit but my IIH is preventing that so I need to lose weight first help the pressure come down then start focusing on fitness.

Other than getting fit I dont know what career path I want to take, I have minimal options and that is my fault and my fault only because I made the wrong choices.

Until tomorrow

Xo

Agony wouldnt be the word

My feet are absolutley THROBBING from being stood up since 9am until 6.15pm. It feels worse than high heel pain!!

Anyway one more day at work then I get my 2 days off 🙂 proud of myself as its my first full week I feel today went ALOT better than yesterday, it takes me a while in the morning to get into the swing but I get there, afterall this is a fantastic opportunity for me and I am loving bouncing between dispensing, tills, refilling shelfs etc and I am really surprised at how good my face 2 face customer service skills are except one lady today made a comment about my accent (i speak proper english) but hey over the head as they say!

Tomorrow is a big day, the “visitors” are in im assuming they are like regional managers so im pretty fucking terrified to say the least!! I know the manager on will be under pressure so im expected to get snapped at a few times 🤔

Anyway this morning I found out my “husband” is on dating sites messaging loads of local girls being a real sleaze if im honest, saying he has no kids, no family and is younger than he actually is.

It hurts big time, but im used to it sadly, I have took the plunge and asked him to leave in august when the lease expires but i just dont know if i am strong enough yet, i really dont my heads so confused.

I got my daughters end of year school report bless her I know she is struggling but her reports really good, I know she has autism even though doctors wont diagnose it until she is 7 but i think she is going to get learning support going into P2 (primary 2 in northern ireland) so im proud of her I find it very hard work though with a child with autism who is at a difficult age and a child who is 3 who doesnt have autism but picks up alot of his sisters mannerisms but overall im so proud of her shes beeen in hospital twice with asthma, had loads of time off with chest infections, chicken pox, noro virus plus shes had to live with me and her dad arguing alot so im hoping once he moves out they will become alot more settled.

I feel his just using me for the stability and security but I deserve better than that i shouldnt be anyones second choice.

I am not text book beautiful

I am certainly not slim

I have problems 

But im also human and there is only so much more I can take.

This job is my lifeline!!

Until tomorrow

Xox

Why bother

*possible trigger warning mentions self harm*

Today I thought I did good, got my daughter to school after battling with tantrums, did a little bit of shopping, picked my daughter up from school took her and my son for ice cream, tidyied up then I decided to order an indian takeaway, i thought it would be nice for my husband to come home too as hed been working from 7-6 and been to the gym and running so i thought itd be a treat.

He came home immediatley started giving off too me, telling id done nothing all day, id done the washes wrong, id hung up the washing wrong, the garden was a mess (there were a few of our kids toys out there like a couple of scooters, then he went onto the dinner asking “why i was trying to poison his body with salt” “did we not have takeaway yesterday?” “Wtf is wrong with you” and so on then came the “im not signing this lease again in august, you and the kids can go to a shelter, i get the shit end of deal while you think your off making a career” and so on.

I guess I just feel really hurt yes we did get a chinese last night (well a portion of rice and some chicken balls) that he chose, and we have had takeaway a few times lately so maybe I am getting lazy im just in the bad habit of not having the energy to cook after a long day, and at least with Indian he only has chicken and rice with a plain naan so it was semi healthy and I knew all hed had all day was a processed chicken sandwhich and some crisps and chocolate so I assumed (wrongly I guess) that hed appreciate a meal of some sort that didnt consist of chicken dippers or oven chips.

Hes right in saying I could have went n brought meat to cook but tbh I just didnt have the energy, i just wanted the food to be there so we could spend some time together before bed.

Aside from that today I thought was ok I felt quite accomplished but hearing him say “im a shit mum” “i struggle with the kids” “what is my purpse” i just feel really defeated.

I had too fight really really hard to not self harm I havent had urges like that in a long while and I thought those thoughts were behind me.

I just dont know what to do, he always has the fact that he has to sign the lease hanging over me, i dont know whether hel stay or go where il go what il do.

My heads just a mess and im back to work tomorrow and have to focus 1000% so i need a clear mind which usually id do by self harming or drinking but i dont either of those anymore.

So im feeling very alone, confused and sad tonight.

Until tomorrow

Xo