Fuck its been a while.

Iv no excuse as to why iv not posted my mind has been all over the place lately iv been off work for 6 weeks. Its ridiculous but im back on Thursday and i will prove i am capable.
I relapsed with self harm about 2 weeks ago and the urges since are phenominal, also still feeling suicidal but the home help team are handing me back to my CPN even though I have made it clear im not ready but thts the NHS for you.
My heart and mind has been fucked around so much lately that im no longer interested in relationships, i actually quite enjoy the lonliness.

My daughters behaviour hasnt improved but shes just started P2 and is getting special assistance which im hopeful will help.

My son starts nursery on monday where the fuck does time go!!! I still know they, my husband and my mum will be better off without me to be precise £115,000 better off!
Tbh im growing tired of life and beind a burden to everyone.

This depression just wont seem to lift.

  1. Positive thing today my new phone arrived
  2. I sold 2 packets of juice plus shakes for £20 so thats weed money sorted


Its a gorgeous phone although i really shouldnt have taken out more credit.

I cant wait to start working again start paying my mum back and helping my husband start his buisness then my work here will be done.

Took my evening meds 

200mg quitiepine, 40mg valium (they arent prescribed) 

And soon i shall blaze up 🍁

Well thats pretty much it. Until next time.

Xo

Del boy “you saw a movement in the trees? Ofc you saw a movement in the trees theres a ruddy typhoid out there” – sir david jason as Del Boy

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Its been a while.

I would like to say things have been better but sadly that isnt the case, i SHd last week, am back under the mental health homehelp team due to my suicidal thoughts.

I am now on a mood stabilizer ‘quetiapine’ and have had my sleeping tablets changed from Zopiclone 7.5mg to Zolpdiem 10mg.

Iv been on the quetiapine 4 days now, it has leveld my mood in the respect that the near psychosis is gone, and i am not feeling painfuly depressed but i still dont feel i want to carry on with life,

I had to go to my mums to pick the kids up and tbh im not even pleased they are back, yes iv missed them and love them but my frame of mind and mental state atm isnt suitable for children.

All of my mental health workers think im “so self aware” “inteligent” and “cooperative”

What they dont realise is im very good at lying, and telling people what they want to hear.

They ask do i want to get better? I respond “yes ofc” reality? No i cannot be fucked with this constant battle, im tired and have had enough.

My husband is back to his old tricks treating me like shit.

So as of rn, my plan to end my life is still in place I know my kids will be well looked after, 

The time they were away was amazing but went by too fast, i have said it before I dont want to be a parent, or perhaps let me rephrase that, im not capable of being a parent. I can barely look after myself.

I have a lot of avenues to venture before i decide what is what.

But i wanted to bring this up to speed so those who follow know i have not given up on this i just struggle to find anything worth writing about.


The face

This is the face of someone just sliding through life.

Exsisting by a miracle, 

Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread

Feels nothing anymore

A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function

A shell. A vessel. A parasite

Iv become so numb I cant feel you here

First up RIP to Chester Bennington the lead singer of Linkin Park, apparently he hung himself, 

So fucking sad but really puts things into perspective, he left 6 kids behind and no1 knew what was going through his mind to cause him to commit suicide.

It brings me to my next subject, which is, ironically suicidal feelings, the last few days iv been having feelings that I just dont want to be here anymore, im disgusted with how my life has turned out infact it is no life.

I handed in a 2 week sickline today to my other manager who is absolutley lovely, no matter how busy work gets and how stressed she is she is ALWAYS polite. Luckily the other one wasnt in today, she fills me with dread, i feel sick at the thought of going in there when initially it was a job I wanted so badly, and still do, I just cannot handle her i have never experienced anyone (beside my soon to be ex husband) who makes me feel this way.

I have applied for multiple jobs I have an interview with William Hill on the 1st, I also have a taster day with princes trust in regards to getting onto their “into security” course, they cover EVERYTHING SIA license, the lot.

So I need to decide what I want to do tbh, and I have my assesment with college on 17th august rgd an access course which will help me on my way to uni.

Guess there are alot of positives however the lack of money is becoming a concern, my first wage is due on the 28th so a week left….im not expecting much.

Until tomorrow

Xo

Today hasnt been great then again, lately I feel iv lost the definition of a “good day” i dont feel down per say, just stressed, exhausted from the meds, and have a headache.

Im struggling alot balancing children and my life and its getting to me,

My anxiety prevents me from doing alot and the kids are just so badly behaved and rude to me it just saps my motivation.

I stripped my hair today and its gone a really nice colour just hope it stays this way! Its been so many years since I had light hair I dont know what to make of it lol.

Its a work in progress I guess. Just like everything else, its 7pm and still really sunny which is annoying as I just want to go to bed.

Nothing else interesting to report.

Until tomorrow

Xo

I dont fucking understand.

I technically have everything I should want a job, beautiful kids, a nice home yet I feel so fucking empty!!

Its like nothing is enough, not saying that nothing is good enough for me, thats a different ball game I just feel unfullfiled.

Im going to book 10 days in Iceland in November it sounds fucking perfect for me, icy cold, beautiful scenery, nature, long walks, log cabin its just what I need I came across it whilst looking for holidays with low terror threat (i panic easy) and I never realised how stunning it was.

Also i am going to book a long weekend in Amsterdam I need to clear my head and cycling through town, stoned sounds pretty good too me.

I feel really low tonight, back to work tomorrow the sense of dread I feel confuses me, I wanted this job so bad so why do I feel so useless and below everyone, i dont deserve the job.

Right now I dont feel I deserve life, i emptied all my tablets out earlier I have mood stabilisers, pregablin, morphine pills, 5 kinds of anti depressants, loads of 30/500 cocodamol, sleeping pills, tramadol you name it…i couldnt help but think…”this would get the job done” how did i end up back here again? What the fuck is wrong with me I just want to feel normal emotion in normal doses.

Kids dad isnt working tomorrow so when i finish im going somewhere anywhere but here.

I cant take these feelings.

I threw away all my blades tonight which was a big step for me, i havent self harmed in around 3 weeks i fucked that up too, 

My psyc thinks im refusing help cause I dont want to medicated.

Maybe i need to be medicated.

I just dont know anymore.

I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection- jax teller

Could have been a worse day

Today went better than expected I guess… I havent really got much to say.

Iv just watched the SAS:who dares wins and its made me realise how much I regret not joining the British Army it was my dream career since I was 14 … I was SO close to getting in I went to selection failed my run by a few seconds but I could have easily taken that time off.

Then I went on to study Uniformed Public Services our tutor was a triathlete and super motivating my fitness shot up if id have gone to selection there and then Id have passed.

But during army running club I met my “husband” who was also joining I should have stayed away and kept focus but I didnt… I fell in love and supported him during his army career whilst mine got further and further away.

Im so stupid. If I could change anything and go back to being around 13 id be the BIGGEST teachers pet, get super fit, joing AFC harrogate straight from school smash the course and join Engineers never getting married nor having children.

I wanted to become a Cpl, I wanted to do the PTI course, I wanted to specialise in EOD, I wanted to absorb every little thing the Army had to offer me but I threw it all away for nothing.

If I can share my most important life lesson it would be, once something is done, you cant change it so think very carefully about any choices you make.

If id have joined id have never been this overweight and would never have developed IIH, in turn id never have experienced BPD or self harm.

I could have had a life. Now I dont know what I want to do, I know I want to get fit but my IIH is preventing that so I need to lose weight first help the pressure come down then start focusing on fitness.

Other than getting fit I dont know what career path I want to take, I have minimal options and that is my fault and my fault only because I made the wrong choices.

Until tomorrow

Xo