I technically have everything I should want a job, beautiful kids, a nice home yet I feel so fucking empty!!
Its like nothing is enough, not saying that nothing is good enough for me, thats a different ball game I just feel unfullfiled.
Im going to book 10 days in Iceland in November it sounds fucking perfect for me, icy cold, beautiful scenery, nature, long walks, log cabin its just what I need I came across it whilst looking for holidays with low terror threat (i panic easy) and I never realised how stunning it was.
Also i am going to book a long weekend in Amsterdam I need to clear my head and cycling through town, stoned sounds pretty good too me.
I feel really low tonight, back to work tomorrow the sense of dread I feel confuses me, I wanted this job so bad so why do I feel so useless and below everyone, i dont deserve the job.
Right now I dont feel I deserve life, i emptied all my tablets out earlier I have mood stabilisers, pregablin, morphine pills, 5 kinds of anti depressants, loads of 30/500 cocodamol, sleeping pills, tramadol you name it…i couldnt help but think…”this would get the job done” how did i end up back here again? What the fuck is wrong with me I just want to feel normal emotion in normal doses.
Kids dad isnt working tomorrow so when i finish im going somewhere anywhere but here.
I cant take these feelings.
I threw away all my blades tonight which was a big step for me, i havent self harmed in around 3 weeks i fucked that up too,
My psyc thinks im refusing help cause I dont want to medicated.
Maybe i need to be medicated.
I just dont know anymore.
I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection- jax teller