Fuck its been a while.

Iv no excuse as to why iv not posted my mind has been all over the place lately iv been off work for 6 weeks. Its ridiculous but im back on Thursday and i will prove i am capable.
I relapsed with self harm about 2 weeks ago and the urges since are phenominal, also still feeling suicidal but the home help team are handing me back to my CPN even though I have made it clear im not ready but thts the NHS for you.
My heart and mind has been fucked around so much lately that im no longer interested in relationships, i actually quite enjoy the lonliness.

My daughters behaviour hasnt improved but shes just started P2 and is getting special assistance which im hopeful will help.

My son starts nursery on monday where the fuck does time go!!! I still know they, my husband and my mum will be better off without me to be precise £115,000 better off!
Tbh im growing tired of life and beind a burden to everyone.

This depression just wont seem to lift.

  1. Positive thing today my new phone arrived
  2. I sold 2 packets of juice plus shakes for £20 so thats weed money sorted

Its a gorgeous phone although i really shouldnt have taken out more credit.

I cant wait to start working again start paying my mum back and helping my husband start his buisness then my work here will be done.

Took my evening meds 

200mg quitiepine, 40mg valium (they arent prescribed) 

And soon i shall blaze up 🍁

Well thats pretty much it. Until next time.


Del boy “you saw a movement in the trees? Ofc you saw a movement in the trees theres a ruddy typhoid out there” – sir david jason as Del Boy


What is depression to you?

So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;

  • Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
  • Tiredness
  • Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them 
  • Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
  • Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
  • Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind 
  • Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
  • Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
  • Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.

So there it is… thats my depression.

I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.

 I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere

Until tomorrow


The face

This is the face of someone just sliding through life.

Exsisting by a miracle, 

Surviving her invasive and dangerous thoughts by a thread

Feels nothing anymore

A girl who baffles doctors, so she just gets her meds upped until she can no longer function

A shell. A vessel. A parasite

Iv become so numb I cant feel you here

First up RIP to Chester Bennington the lead singer of Linkin Park, apparently he hung himself, 

So fucking sad but really puts things into perspective, he left 6 kids behind and no1 knew what was going through his mind to cause him to commit suicide.

It brings me to my next subject, which is, ironically suicidal feelings, the last few days iv been having feelings that I just dont want to be here anymore, im disgusted with how my life has turned out infact it is no life.

I handed in a 2 week sickline today to my other manager who is absolutley lovely, no matter how busy work gets and how stressed she is she is ALWAYS polite. Luckily the other one wasnt in today, she fills me with dread, i feel sick at the thought of going in there when initially it was a job I wanted so badly, and still do, I just cannot handle her i have never experienced anyone (beside my soon to be ex husband) who makes me feel this way.

I have applied for multiple jobs I have an interview with William Hill on the 1st, I also have a taster day with princes trust in regards to getting onto their “into security” course, they cover EVERYTHING SIA license, the lot.

So I need to decide what I want to do tbh, and I have my assesment with college on 17th august rgd an access course which will help me on my way to uni.

Guess there are alot of positives however the lack of money is becoming a concern, my first wage is due on the 28th so a week left….im not expecting much.

Until tomorrow


I never thought…

I never thought id get to this stage again, went to the GP today and surprise surprise, got a fucking sickline.

My manager has told me more or less i will be dismissed due to this, im beyond devestated, when i started this role i thought it was a new career direction but straight away the manager changed from being seemingly lovely to just very rude and patronising amongst other things.

Im not one to pass blame but she is the primary reason im off again, the way she speaks to me and treats me is very subtle but intense.

I must be applying for 15+ jobs daily just hoping for anything, 

Im DREADING my salary on the 28th i bet il harldy get anything, probably not even enough to pay my rent so then what? 

Im going to have to apply for every benefit going i just cannot believe this is happening to me again.

Why do I even bother living? Infact why do I bother exsisting? This isnt living.

Gone fishing

So im sorry iv been inactive…iv not had a good few days tbh.

Things are just going from bad to worse. I joined plenty of fish because im lonely iv no real friends so its nice to have people to talk to although i feel like a loser so im going to delete my profile.

Guess im just not meant to be happy.

Sorry folks cant really say much more atm been off sick from work again anxiety has been through the roof just feel like shit.

Youtube ideas..

I have so many ideas but just cannot get them into action!

  • I want to restart my youtube channel
  • I want to get my horror movie sorted
  • I want to study
  • I want to write a book

There is just literally so much shit I want to do!!

But im posting early tonight as i will be going to bed soon I feel so tired and Im back to work tomorrow. I wish it wasnt so sunny i cant wait until the long dark nights of Autumn and Winter I really do despise summer.

My moods been alot more stable lately im not sure if its the meds im on Sertraline 50mg, Lyrica 200mg 2xdaily, and Acetazolomide for my IIH.

Mental health wise I feel just ok, im due to see my CPN tomorrow but im working so im going to have to cancel,

Also my debts are creeping up on me again i need to get into see my CAB advisor asap.

Well im off to bed. Night

Until tomorrow