Bit deflated? Unfortuantly not literally

So as the title suggests im feeling a bit meh today, mainly because I have to find a pair of trousers for work and a white shirt (my uniform is yet to arrive)

And maybe its just me but ALL black work trousers in anything above a size 16 are unflattering AS FUCK and for someone like me, who eats their feelings, and has a vile figure (2 chidlren arent an excuse its totally down to my love of takeaway, but my 2nd child really did a number on my figure) i find it near impossible to find smart work clothes, skirts and dresses would be fine but trousers are so hard :(.

I weighed myself and im 15.9 stone , so iv lost some weight as last time i was just over 16 stone, but I really need to start getting my arse in gear (literally) and shifting the stones.

Am i feeling determined? Hell no, due to the impending summer, the humidity and my intracranial hypertention 90% of exercises are not possible for me, I miss running so much, and miss weight training I used to live in the gym but the balance since the kids has been all off.

Im hoping once they are both in FT daycare, and now I have my work schedule sorted i can start including some kind of exercising. Maybe on Mondays as the kids dad isnt working I could walk thatd be a good 3 miles each way, then on Tuesdays after his long shift I could try to include something in there and the rest of the evenings just do home circuits? 

Its not something thats impossible, in fact its more than doable its just the process and the fact that I am lazy af and tbh im not interested in losing bundles of weight, id be happy weighing 12 stone.

Now that little moan is out of the way I feel so much better this blog really does help me alot in stepping back, and looking over my feelings, moods thoughts and realising things arent actually that bad, they could be worse, they have been worse but one things for sure THEY CAN ONLY GET BETTER 

& another reason to be SUPER EXCITED is that CoF (cradle of filth) ARE PLAYING IN BELFAST IN OCTOBER, THEY HAVE A NEW ALBUM COMING IN SEPTEMBER TOO so im going to ne getting tickets on Monday when they are released.

This is their new album name and artwork ❤

This is day 2 on half a acetazolomide 2x daily tomorrow I increase to 1 2x daily its supposed to be 1 in the morning and 2 in the evening but on that dose I often got kidney infections.

Im making sure I drink plenty of water (at least 2 ltrs) daily.

My anxiety about Monday is starting but thats to be expected I guess

Until tomorrow


The most important project you will work on is yourself


Shit got real!

So today I passed my parapsychology course with 97% which is a distinction!!! I printed off my certificate but im going to purchase the official one when I have the money which will probably be the end of the month.

And all my boots learning materials came through today! It feels so real now i cannot wait to start but I am so so nervous!

I have my CPN round on friday she seems pretty annoyed that im not on medication as I know im better off it as does everyone around me so i dont really see her issue.

Also im sitting here with a huge headache, blurry and streaming eyes and a runny nose IM OFFICALLY ALLERGIC TO BIO WASHING SOAP AND THE FABRIC CONDITIONER IV BEEN USING 

Absolute nightmare i was up at 4am this morning as there was a disaster with the rent money which is luckily sorted now!.
So tomorrow will be all about studying these boots learning materials and there is ALOT of them its so exciting!!

On a less serious note but still quite serious im so worried about the frontman of my fave band 5FDP I love Ivan and can see hes struggling I just hope he isnt really quitting as id like to see them in Glasgow in December.

Well until tomorrow.


Burn motherfucker burn motherfucker BURN

Official contract

Today has been great! I completed my parapsychology course just awaiting my assesment results!

Also I checked my emails and my contract came through!! So excited that It is all set in stone but now im really nervous iv never wanted a job this much im going to make sure it goes well, its a 9 month contract but the manager said chances are il get kept on after the 9 months as most employees do.

Not even just that but my title is TRAINEE DISPENSER (pharmacy assistant) i feel so professional and the salary is well over what I expected so overall I am so happy with how everything has turned out.

Other than that one awful part of this evening is my beautiful LB fell on one of his toys and has given himself a huge shiner 😭 it breaks my heart seeing him injured hes fine in himself hes asked for kfc and chocolate milkshake for dinner (which ofc his daddy got him) and his chilling watching a movie, hes such a trooper but also the clumsiest kid i know, i only got his haircut yday as it was getting in his eyes lol.

I have to pay £300 deposit on the 19th for the nursery which looks incredible! But its £1100pm!!! According to HMRC they pay up to 78% of the weekly fee so that makes it around £350 that il be paying each month, which is managable and having the peice of mind knowing they are well looked after and I am studying and working towards my career

I know alot of parents dont agree in full time childcare but it will benefit them as they will have more social interaction and during weekends well enjoy our quality time even more

Until tomorrow 



I almost forgot to post tonight MY BAD.

Had a busy day, after dropping my daughter to school i took my son for his nursery induction which went really well.

Then I did some food shopping, picked my daughter up and got my sons haircut he looks so handsome!

I enquired about a few after/before school day cares want to know how much each month….£1000 i am going to have to go with it and apparently working tax pay up to 78% of the childcare costs i just need to find the £300 deposit which will be easier said than done as i have no wages this month.

Its going to be stressful until i get my first wage, but after the summer hols i need the kids in daycare so i can work and get some free time , also I have decided i am going to start driving lessons i am going to apply for my provisional and i aim to be on the road by december.

There really isnt much else to tell you, i have a busy day on monday with meetings fun !

But i cannot wait until the 19th to start my new job and the fact that i never have to step foot in that miserable place again 

And am i the only one who keeps feeling Christmassy?! I dont know what it is I just keep feeling like its nearly halloween then christmas but there both months away 😅.

So gutted im missing download festival so many amazing bands Im hoping to go next year even though I have said that for the last 2 years :(.

Until Tomorrow


The bells are ringing out, for christmas day.  🤣


Why did my parapsychology course have to contain math? Im useless at math and hear I am learning the laws on probability 

Its a massive headache for me, me and math are like milk and coca cola, we dont mix we clash and curdle!

On a more positive note I went into work today and handed in my notice with immediate effect, until the 19th im officialy unemployed, i wasnt going to get paid for the last few weeks at work as the payroll department had overpaid me by a ridiculous amount.

I have wrote them a letter explaining I will set up a payment plan when i am on my feet again

But it felt SO good giving in my pass and walking out of there for the last time i feel free!!

That place really was a huge drain i despised it it made me ill and il not miss it or the people one bit.

I am so looking forward to starting my new career and meeting new people getting my life on track and finally moving forward with my life.

Im going to stay in my current home for the foreseeable, it makes more sense for the kids stability but ALOT of changes are being made.

And im most definatley going to have to look into afterschool childcare but thats something il face when the time comes.

I feel so positive RN im looking forward to saving getting new furniture and redecorating this place to feel more homely itl take time but itl be worth it.

Anyway im going back to my course now as i want it done before i start my job so i have one less thing to worry about and i can start planning my first investigation.

And once iv made the home a bit more homely i can start focusing more on my media project and getting equipment such as a camera and software.

Iv a feeling itl all come along just nicely.

My little boy has his nursery induction tomorrow is it bad im gutted his only there 9-1130 why cant it be longer 🤔 he will definatley have to go into somekind of afterschool club.

Well until tomorrow


Maybe that’s the lesson for me today, to hold onto these simple moments – appreciate them a little more, there’s not many of them left. I don’t ever want that for you, finding things that make you happy shouldn’t be so hard. I know you’ll face pain, suffering, hard choices but you can’t let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them. There’s an old saying – that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things, your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole, those are the things to hold onto when you’re broken.- Jackson (jax) Nathaniel Teller President of SAMCRO

Cant contain my happiness

I start my new job on the 19th June!!!! Have not been this excited in so long! My uniform is being ordered over the weekend and the tops come in LONG SLEEVES so all that worrying about my arms and I can cover them up YAY.

I am handing in my notice to work today, i have also wrote a letter to my payroll department as they have overpaid me by £900 so at the end of the month il be getting NO wages.

Its going to be a struggle and a long wait for money but my first wage will be so worth it.

Its an assistant dispenser at a well known pharmacy that I wont name for privacy reasons but the job involves full training at a level of NVQ L2 in pharmacy dispensing so i get an amazing job and training opportunity.

I am just so pleased I feel like this is my lifeline, all this time I was stressed that I had no qualifications or job prospects and now I have both! 

I truely feel like someone or something is constantly looking out for me and I just feel blessed, after the awful year I have had I truely believe there is a greater force.

This is not a job it is a career & training opportunity.

I can progress to managerial positions, lead dispenser whatever i choose and its something I am so interested in

I wanted to share it here first as this blog is like my 2nd voice.

I feel from here on in things will keep getting better.

Until later


All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I’ve been
Now I’m here blinking in the starlight
Now I’m here suddenly I see
Standing here it’s all so clear
I’m where I’m meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were
Now she’s here shining in the starlight
Now she’s here suddenly I know
If she’s here it’s crystal clear
I’m where I’m meant to go


I felt today was semi productive i completed module 2 of my parapsychology course sent my assesment off and had my meeting with Joanne.

I also got a call last night from the manager of the job I applied for and desperatly wanted and she offered me the job! Im still in shock and she said she is getting my contract sent over either today or wednesday, so until i get my contract i wont count my blessings just yet.

Then im worried about my my arms and how i am going to conceal my SH scars and hideous huge tattoo! Im hoping i can wear a long sleeve shirt or at least a long sleeve top under the work shirt, as im not sure on there policys on tattoos and scars.

Anyway other than that i have my family support worker coming tomorrow morning so i will wait patiently for my contract impatiently and hope for the best!

There isnt really much else to report il disclose more info about the job once its all confirmed,

Overall im actually feeling really positive i also have an interview with a furniture store on sat at 2pm just incase, its only part time but they send you to Bolton for training which would be pretty cool!

And now im back to last nights decision what too have for dinner?

Until tomorrow