Failing

Im failing.

Im failing at being a wife

Im failing at blogging

Im failing at motherhood

Im failing Me

Im failing my family

Im failing at work

Im failing at being a friend

Im failing to maintain appointments

Im failing at losing weight

Im failing at life

Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.

I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.

I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?

What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.

Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.

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Could have been a worse day

Today went better than expected I guess… I havent really got much to say.

Iv just watched the SAS:who dares wins and its made me realise how much I regret not joining the British Army it was my dream career since I was 14 … I was SO close to getting in I went to selection failed my run by a few seconds but I could have easily taken that time off.

Then I went on to study Uniformed Public Services our tutor was a triathlete and super motivating my fitness shot up if id have gone to selection there and then Id have passed.

But during army running club I met my “husband” who was also joining I should have stayed away and kept focus but I didnt… I fell in love and supported him during his army career whilst mine got further and further away.

Im so stupid. If I could change anything and go back to being around 13 id be the BIGGEST teachers pet, get super fit, joing AFC harrogate straight from school smash the course and join Engineers never getting married nor having children.

I wanted to become a Cpl, I wanted to do the PTI course, I wanted to specialise in EOD, I wanted to absorb every little thing the Army had to offer me but I threw it all away for nothing.

If I can share my most important life lesson it would be, once something is done, you cant change it so think very carefully about any choices you make.

If id have joined id have never been this overweight and would never have developed IIH, in turn id never have experienced BPD or self harm.

I could have had a life. Now I dont know what I want to do, I know I want to get fit but my IIH is preventing that so I need to lose weight first help the pressure come down then start focusing on fitness.

Other than getting fit I dont know what career path I want to take, I have minimal options and that is my fault and my fault only because I made the wrong choices.

Until tomorrow

Xo

I need control.

I need to control something and I am going to start controlling my eating.

I feel like i am losing touch with myself I need to lose weight

Thats all thats on my mind today.

Sorry, im in bad form

I love you all though

Until tomorrow

Xo

Amazing

First day at work was brilliant i really enjoyed it learnt so much, im off tomorrow but in weds, thurs and fri off sat and sun.

The people are lovely so welcoming and friendly and helpful, my uniform arrived too and it fits! So on weds i can go in my uniform and feel more part of the team :).

I want to try and end today on a high and not think about yesterdays events that messed my head up so much, i cant do what she demanded i dont want to its my christmas and i want to enjoy my christmas without the hassle and stress im independant now and have to start putting my foot down! 

Im so happy with my job iv no doubt itl get stressful, im bound to make mistakes im only human but im confident this is the right path for me and I feel GENUINLEY HAPPY.

A big thank you again to all of you commenting and liking my blog posts, means the world and il ALWAYS make sure I reply to any comment as I appreciate every one of you ❤

Until tomorrow

Xox

Ps. My fave horror youtuber be.busta just uploaded a video yay 🙂

Good things come to those who wait

Bit deflated? Unfortuantly not literally

So as the title suggests im feeling a bit meh today, mainly because I have to find a pair of trousers for work and a white shirt (my uniform is yet to arrive)

And maybe its just me but ALL black work trousers in anything above a size 16 are unflattering AS FUCK and for someone like me, who eats their feelings, and has a vile figure (2 chidlren arent an excuse its totally down to my love of takeaway, but my 2nd child really did a number on my figure) i find it near impossible to find smart work clothes, skirts and dresses would be fine but trousers are so hard :(.

I weighed myself and im 15.9 stone , so iv lost some weight as last time i was just over 16 stone, but I really need to start getting my arse in gear (literally) and shifting the stones.

Am i feeling determined? Hell no, due to the impending summer, the humidity and my intracranial hypertention 90% of exercises are not possible for me, I miss running so much, and miss weight training I used to live in the gym but the balance since the kids has been all off.

Im hoping once they are both in FT daycare, and now I have my work schedule sorted i can start including some kind of exercising. Maybe on Mondays as the kids dad isnt working I could walk thatd be a good 3 miles each way, then on Tuesdays after his long shift I could try to include something in there and the rest of the evenings just do home circuits? 

Its not something thats impossible, in fact its more than doable its just the process and the fact that I am lazy af and tbh im not interested in losing bundles of weight, id be happy weighing 12 stone.

Now that little moan is out of the way I feel so much better this blog really does help me alot in stepping back, and looking over my feelings, moods thoughts and realising things arent actually that bad, they could be worse, they have been worse but one things for sure THEY CAN ONLY GET BETTER 

& another reason to be SUPER EXCITED is that CoF (cradle of filth) ARE PLAYING IN BELFAST IN OCTOBER, THEY HAVE A NEW ALBUM COMING IN SEPTEMBER TOO so im going to ne getting tickets on Monday when they are released.

This is their new album name and artwork ❤

This is day 2 on half a acetazolomide 2x daily tomorrow I increase to 1 2x daily its supposed to be 1 in the morning and 2 in the evening but on that dose I often got kidney infections.

Im making sure I drink plenty of water (at least 2 ltrs) daily.

My anxiety about Monday is starting but thats to be expected I guess

Until tomorrow

Xox

The most important project you will work on is yourself