Slacker

I know i know iv been really slacking lately!! Ive been so exhausted i think its the meds my sertraline has been increased and I feel like im becoming that lifeless zombie again.

Im back on POF and am on Badoo and iv actually met some really decent people even if it only is 3 out of like 100s they seem genuine and even if theres nothing romantic its good to have new friends.

In other news the kids are away on tuesday for 3 weeks, and during that time im converting my daughters room into a joint room for her and my son, and there dad can have my sons room.

He refuses to leave so this is the next best thing i cant move on while sharing a bed with my ex, im also going to be filing for.divorce.


Im still on sick due back on the 2nd and im just gunner keep my head down and work and make money.

In the meantime il maybe have some harmless fun 😉

Until tomorrow 

Xo

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What a day

So first off I think I may be a bit keen… I have completed all my online learning modules except the induction which I am going to start tomorrow.

Second I caved and have started taking my acetazolomide for my intracranial hypertension I couldnt bear the pain anymore and I need a clear (painfree) brain for this new job,

I feel the relief already, i was just reluctant to start them again as I hate the tingles I get on them, aswell as the nausea so im starting off on a low dose see how I get on.

I was also sad to hear Ivan Moody has stepped away from 5fdp to get clean ofc I wish him the best addictions are awful, life changing and I want nothing more than for him to recover, but I personally think its disrespectful to replace him for the duration of the tour, 5fdp are not the same w/o him, but I am kinda glad I didnt buy a ticket for the Glasgow show, 

Another random thing here is my homemade philidelphia carbonara from yesterday

My mood overall lately has been pretty good barring the headaches that really depress me but im managing them and they are not winning!!

I also want to say a massive thank you and welcome to everybody who has joined me on my journey lately and have been interacting on my posts it means alot to have you all there and to feel that i am if nothing else interesting to people  😂 I love you all.

Until tomorrow

Xox

Headache

Why did my parapsychology course have to contain math? Im useless at math and hear I am learning the laws on probability 

Its a massive headache for me, me and math are like milk and coca cola, we dont mix we clash and curdle!

On a more positive note I went into work today and handed in my notice with immediate effect, until the 19th im officialy unemployed, i wasnt going to get paid for the last few weeks at work as the payroll department had overpaid me by a ridiculous amount.

I have wrote them a letter explaining I will set up a payment plan when i am on my feet again

But it felt SO good giving in my pass and walking out of there for the last time i feel free!!

That place really was a huge drain i despised it it made me ill and il not miss it or the people one bit.

I am so looking forward to starting my new career and meeting new people getting my life on track and finally moving forward with my life.

Im going to stay in my current home for the foreseeable, it makes more sense for the kids stability but ALOT of changes are being made.

And im most definatley going to have to look into afterschool childcare but thats something il face when the time comes.

I feel so positive RN im looking forward to saving getting new furniture and redecorating this place to feel more homely itl take time but itl be worth it.

Anyway im going back to my course now as i want it done before i start my job so i have one less thing to worry about and i can start planning my first investigation.

And once iv made the home a bit more homely i can start focusing more on my media project and getting equipment such as a camera and software.

Iv a feeling itl all come along just nicely.

My little boy has his nursery induction tomorrow is it bad im gutted his only there 9-1130 why cant it be longer 🤔 he will definatley have to go into somekind of afterschool club.

Well until tomorrow

Xox

Maybe that’s the lesson for me today, to hold onto these simple moments – appreciate them a little more, there’s not many of them left. I don’t ever want that for you, finding things that make you happy shouldn’t be so hard. I know you’ll face pain, suffering, hard choices but you can’t let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them. There’s an old saying – that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things, your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole, those are the things to hold onto when you’re broken.- Jackson (jax) Nathaniel Teller President of SAMCRO

I finally left on a jet plane

What a disaster everytime it was 10 minutes until boarding it got delayed for 20 mins finally managed to get on and the plane stunk of vomit but i got some great pics


Absolutley stunning views as the sky was so clear and its SO hot here compared to home!

I feel ok today didnt take my anti depressant as i have decided i will remain un medicated except for the odd zopiclone or diazepam.

Other than that im super excited to get my paranormal investogation underway and get some equipment and im going to go over module 1 of my parapsychology course as there is alot of history that didnt sink in.

Well until tomorrow 

Xox

The one that nearly got away.

I ALMOST didnt write this entry this evening due too my migraine but I may aswell.

So i managed too put off work today but tomorrow is inevitable i spent all morning trying too claim ESA only too find im not eligable , i was on hold for ages when I started too think really what is the harm in going too work, all I do is sit at home feeling shit why not throw on some make up and go too work even though I feel shit il be making money, i know i know i said all this yday but 28 weeks is a long time too be off. So whatever i guess tomorrows post will be from work,

The thing that bugs me is i cant just go in and get too work i have too have all my logins reset which takes AGES during which time im left listening in which makes shifts drag even longer.

Id rather just get back and get into it.

Also LUCKILLY i phoned tax credits too ask something and found my renewal was still pending luckily the guy did it there and its now complete but iv got too wait around 8 weeks too get my new awards notice, so when i thought i was sorted with tax credits it turns out it could change again and knowing my luck il owe them an overpayment.

Also my daughter and me are set too go too watford shes going too stay on abit and im coming home but im terrified now after all these attacks going on that something will happen too her i dont know what i would do with myself if anything happened and i wasnt there.

So atm im sad, anxious and everything in between, its not long till august now.

So for now i lie here with a migraine and too much sun i really do hate the sun, wow i only said hate once.

Until tomorrow xox

Decision made….

So tomorrow I will return too work, its logical I need the routine and structure even though I dont mentally feel well enough too go back the stress of having too claim ESA and go without money is too much 😦 

Im giving myself 1 month, no absense nothing as much as I hate it I will stick it out for the month even if it comes too the worst I get a months wages right?

I got myself some bits with a newlook voucher I found that expires tomorrow! Lucky timing
So having a new outfit too wear is making it a bit more tolerable even though the shift is 4pm-1130pm 😭😭.

I have my letter too take in too cut my hours down too 16 from 30 as i cannot manage 30 and 16 is the minimum for wtc.

Also on Monday my new routine begins!! Starting the day with exercise, and EVERYTHING will be structured so when I actually sit down I feel I deserve it.

The heat is too much for me today with my intracranial hypertension the heat just flares it up, so i get irritable, along with headaches and shit vision. I really do despise the sun BRING ON THE WINTER !!!

Im so proud of my dinner today I made my own pasta sauce using:

Pack of cherry tomatos, 5 shallots, 3 birds eye chillis and a handful of fresh basil, I baked the gluten free meatballs instead of frying them and added some chunky veg then made my own garlic butter and put it on the ciabatta it was so fresh, tasty and light!! && HEALTHY. No dyes, no sugar only a pinch of salt.

So actually today has been quite positive minus the heat!! 

Also just a quickie I got this today its the e.l.f mint maniac lip scrub its gorgeous smells amazing and is really scrubby!! Until tomorrow 

Xox
Ps. Im going too tidy up now and do some mindfullness go me!! 👌👌

Back too work? Back too reality?…

The title says it all… i have actually been healthy today! First time for everything, although overall today has nearly pushed me over the edge… i am barely hanging on here.

But yet here I am right? Another day another struggle.

I found out I am back too work on the 26th, its literally either I go back on the 26th but request my hours drop from 30 too 16 as I cant manage 30, OR I stay off claim ESA, lose my £3 pw wtc and keep my £113 pw ctc…. I am also putting in a claim for PIP which im nearly positive il not get due too me taking myself off my meds…

I think as much as I will struggle working will benefit me in the fact it will get me into routine, give me some kind of purpose BUT the negative effects this job has on my mental health is incredible? The people, the job itself really stresses me out even though its easy as piss.

And im sure working will effect my claim for PIP.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TOO DO 😭😭🤔🤔

In other news I washed my hair for the first time and it hasnt faded much, but I brought new dye just incase.

I still feel so stressed and angry still im dreading waking up tomorrow because it is the same shit over and over again and I cant handle it anymore.

This appointment with my psychiatrist seems too be dragging so much I wish it was sooner the 30th feels a lifetime away,  im going too be completley honest with him with EVERYTHING what that means for me? Who knows but in order too get better I have too be brutally honest.

Nothings right im torn,