Fuck its been a while.

Iv no excuse as to why iv not posted my mind has been all over the place lately iv been off work for 6 weeks. Its ridiculous but im back on Thursday and i will prove i am capable.
I relapsed with self harm about 2 weeks ago and the urges since are phenominal, also still feeling suicidal but the home help team are handing me back to my CPN even though I have made it clear im not ready but thts the NHS for you.
My heart and mind has been fucked around so much lately that im no longer interested in relationships, i actually quite enjoy the lonliness.

My daughters behaviour hasnt improved but shes just started P2 and is getting special assistance which im hopeful will help.

My son starts nursery on monday where the fuck does time go!!! I still know they, my husband and my mum will be better off without me to be precise £115,000 better off!
Tbh im growing tired of life and beind a burden to everyone.

This depression just wont seem to lift.

  1. Positive thing today my new phone arrived
  2. I sold 2 packets of juice plus shakes for £20 so thats weed money sorted


Its a gorgeous phone although i really shouldnt have taken out more credit.

I cant wait to start working again start paying my mum back and helping my husband start his buisness then my work here will be done.

Took my evening meds 

200mg quitiepine, 40mg valium (they arent prescribed) 

And soon i shall blaze up 🍁

Well thats pretty much it. Until next time.

Xo

Del boy “you saw a movement in the trees? Ofc you saw a movement in the trees theres a ruddy typhoid out there” – sir david jason as Del Boy

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Its been a while.

I would like to say things have been better but sadly that isnt the case, i SHd last week, am back under the mental health homehelp team due to my suicidal thoughts.

I am now on a mood stabilizer ‘quetiapine’ and have had my sleeping tablets changed from Zopiclone 7.5mg to Zolpdiem 10mg.

Iv been on the quetiapine 4 days now, it has leveld my mood in the respect that the near psychosis is gone, and i am not feeling painfuly depressed but i still dont feel i want to carry on with life,

I had to go to my mums to pick the kids up and tbh im not even pleased they are back, yes iv missed them and love them but my frame of mind and mental state atm isnt suitable for children.

All of my mental health workers think im “so self aware” “inteligent” and “cooperative”

What they dont realise is im very good at lying, and telling people what they want to hear.

They ask do i want to get better? I respond “yes ofc” reality? No i cannot be fucked with this constant battle, im tired and have had enough.

My husband is back to his old tricks treating me like shit.

So as of rn, my plan to end my life is still in place I know my kids will be well looked after, 

The time they were away was amazing but went by too fast, i have said it before I dont want to be a parent, or perhaps let me rephrase that, im not capable of being a parent. I can barely look after myself.

I have a lot of avenues to venture before i decide what is what.

But i wanted to bring this up to speed so those who follow know i have not given up on this i just struggle to find anything worth writing about.


Miss Lana Banana

Well today was about as productive as a car with no engine. So my moods dropped alot I feel very low and am having bad thoughts il be getting an emergency doctors appt tomorrow and more than likely a sickline.

What a fucking failure im so angry with myself that its gotton this bad again, i cant even hold down a fucking job.

The urges to cut are intense rn, but luckily im so exhausted I cant see straight my eyeballs are shaking.

Its getting to the point im thinking again is there really any point in me being here?

Im a shit mum

I cant hold down a job

I have 2 invisible illnesses that effect everything.

Iv lost my husband

I just want it to end im tired of being tired and sick of being sick

Addiction. Back to black.

Today has just been too much, I am SO sick of the way manager talks to me,

Yet again today she reduced me to tears and spoke to me like shit in front of the store, i dont know how much more i can take of this.

Bad thoughts are coming back faster than ever, i cant hurt myself anymore i made a promise to myself but can i stick to it? I just dont know anymore.

I am broken.

I am nothing.

I am on my 5th beer, i ordered a pizza im just exhausted 

Why bother

*possible trigger warning mentions self harm*

Today I thought I did good, got my daughter to school after battling with tantrums, did a little bit of shopping, picked my daughter up from school took her and my son for ice cream, tidyied up then I decided to order an indian takeaway, i thought it would be nice for my husband to come home too as hed been working from 7-6 and been to the gym and running so i thought itd be a treat.

He came home immediatley started giving off too me, telling id done nothing all day, id done the washes wrong, id hung up the washing wrong, the garden was a mess (there were a few of our kids toys out there like a couple of scooters, then he went onto the dinner asking “why i was trying to poison his body with salt” “did we not have takeaway yesterday?” “Wtf is wrong with you” and so on then came the “im not signing this lease again in august, you and the kids can go to a shelter, i get the shit end of deal while you think your off making a career” and so on.

I guess I just feel really hurt yes we did get a chinese last night (well a portion of rice and some chicken balls) that he chose, and we have had takeaway a few times lately so maybe I am getting lazy im just in the bad habit of not having the energy to cook after a long day, and at least with Indian he only has chicken and rice with a plain naan so it was semi healthy and I knew all hed had all day was a processed chicken sandwhich and some crisps and chocolate so I assumed (wrongly I guess) that hed appreciate a meal of some sort that didnt consist of chicken dippers or oven chips.

Hes right in saying I could have went n brought meat to cook but tbh I just didnt have the energy, i just wanted the food to be there so we could spend some time together before bed.

Aside from that today I thought was ok I felt quite accomplished but hearing him say “im a shit mum” “i struggle with the kids” “what is my purpse” i just feel really defeated.

I had too fight really really hard to not self harm I havent had urges like that in a long while and I thought those thoughts were behind me.

I just dont know what to do, he always has the fact that he has to sign the lease hanging over me, i dont know whether hel stay or go where il go what il do.

My heads just a mess and im back to work tomorrow and have to focus 1000% so i need a clear mind which usually id do by self harming or drinking but i dont either of those anymore.

So im feeling very alone, confused and sad tonight.

Until tomorrow

Xo

Productive

I felt today was semi productive i completed module 2 of my parapsychology course sent my assesment off and had my meeting with Joanne.

I also got a call last night from the manager of the job I applied for and desperatly wanted and she offered me the job! Im still in shock and she said she is getting my contract sent over either today or wednesday, so until i get my contract i wont count my blessings just yet.

Then im worried about my my arms and how i am going to conceal my SH scars and hideous huge tattoo! Im hoping i can wear a long sleeve shirt or at least a long sleeve top under the work shirt, as im not sure on there policys on tattoos and scars.

Anyway other than that i have my family support worker coming tomorrow morning so i will wait patiently for my contract impatiently and hope for the best!

There isnt really much else to report il disclose more info about the job once its all confirmed,

Overall im actually feeling really positive i also have an interview with a furniture store on sat at 2pm just incase, its only part time but they send you to Bolton for training which would be pretty cool!

And now im back to last nights decision what too have for dinner?

Until tomorrow

Xox

Isnt it funny 

What a difference a day makes… yesterday i perservered with work and was proud of myself that I stayed…

Today I write this from home, like the fucking pathetic failure I am.

It all started about lunch time when Dale came home for his break and started being really nasty about how the house wasnt tidied and he pushed me too the stage of a panic attack, he saw me struggling too breath, and carried on, I told him too go but really I wanted him too help me.

He left and there I was alone struggling to breath no control over my body scared, i eventually pulled myself through then tesco delivered which set me off again.

I dont really feel like blogging today really I just want too sleep and forget what a waste of o2 i am.

Until next time….

Its too late , to go back, i let the darkness, through the cracks