Im failing.

Im failing at being a wife

Im failing at blogging

Im failing at motherhood

Im failing Me

Im failing my family

Im failing at work

Im failing at being a friend

Im failing to maintain appointments

Im failing at losing weight

Im failing at life

Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.

I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.

I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?

What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.

Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.


The day that slep away.


Well today has been spent in bed, I have no interest in anything now, not food anything.
Im bored beyond bored, I am numb of emotion, I feel no pain, anger happiness, nothing I fell asleep about 1130am, just woke now at 1810pm, its still light, a nice cool breeze is blowing in through my always open window, it feels refreshing too me,

Im supposed too be getting up too help with dinner but everytime I move i just get a sense of dread, what is the point, 

I look out of my window and it is beautiful, i cannot deny this planets natural beauty, I just dont feel I should be a part of it….

Ok granted this is a really fucking hideous photo but its my view atm I just wanted you too have a first person view I guess.

I wish so hard that these feelings would go, that I could live a life without extreme emotional phases that leave me dazed and confused. I have lost everything through mental health and the extreme variation between the rapid mood swings of BPD, the traits of Schitzotypical PD and with the added joy of Bipolar 2s hypomani and depressive periods I have no life. I am a shell 
I am also boring here are some facts about me:

  • I went too 9 primary schools and was a problem in all of them
  • I have lived in West Sussex, Essex, London, Germany, Northern Ireland
  • I have NO GCSES
  • I have Group B Strep
  • I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7, in EVERY way, the one thing I never told anyone is that he had sex with me, nobodie believed me , he used too pay me at the end of our “session” saying ” i was being an illegal worker and if I told anyone I would be arrested” the money would range from £1.50 too £5 depending on what we done
  • I got married in 2010 too the only man Iv ever loved, and now lost
  • I have a neurological condition called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension in short excessive fluid on my brain 

Well i hope you enjoyed those facts, probably not but I did say you would get too know me on a deeper level.

Too summarise today has been shit, I am struggling and I am an empty shell.

Until tomorrow xox