So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;
- Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
- Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them
- Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
- Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
- Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind
- Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
- Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
- Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.
So there it is… thats my depression.
I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.
I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere
Im failing at being a wife
Im failing at blogging
Im failing at motherhood
Im failing Me
Im failing my family
Im failing at work
Im failing at being a friend
Im failing to maintain appointments
Im failing at losing weight
Im failing at life
Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.
I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.
I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?
What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.
Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.
I know i know iv been really slacking lately!! Ive been so exhausted i think its the meds my sertraline has been increased and I feel like im becoming that lifeless zombie again.
Im back on POF and am on Badoo and iv actually met some really decent people even if it only is 3 out of like 100s they seem genuine and even if theres nothing romantic its good to have new friends.
In other news the kids are away on tuesday for 3 weeks, and during that time im converting my daughters room into a joint room for her and my son, and there dad can have my sons room.
He refuses to leave so this is the next best thing i cant move on while sharing a bed with my ex, im also going to be filing for.divorce.
Im still on sick due back on the 2nd and im just gunner keep my head down and work and make money.
In the meantime il maybe have some harmless fun 😉
Today has been pretty pointless, applied for more jobs, tidied up a little,
Had a headache so I took 2x 30/500 cocodamol with this tablet that apparently makes medication work faster, 2 glasses of Lambrini later im exhausted!! Double vision the lot.
I keep getting urges to go out and party and put myself in dangerous situations but the lack of money prevents that which i suppose is a good thing, im not sure if i want sex, or to just be close to someone. Primarily my husband.
Not had much of an appetite either today, spoke to my manager she confirmed my net pay this month is just over £1000 but next month my sickness will be deducted so i need to get my arse in gear.
Not much else to report tbh dont think il be long going to bed
Mood is still low dont wana be here.
I never thought id get to this stage again, went to the GP today and surprise surprise, got a fucking sickline.
My manager has told me more or less i will be dismissed due to this, im beyond devestated, when i started this role i thought it was a new career direction but straight away the manager changed from being seemingly lovely to just very rude and patronising amongst other things.
Im not one to pass blame but she is the primary reason im off again, the way she speaks to me and treats me is very subtle but intense.
I must be applying for 15+ jobs daily just hoping for anything,
Im DREADING my salary on the 28th i bet il harldy get anything, probably not even enough to pay my rent so then what?
Im going to have to apply for every benefit going i just cannot believe this is happening to me again.
Why do I even bother living? Infact why do I bother exsisting? This isnt living.
Well today was about as productive as a car with no engine. So my moods dropped alot I feel very low and am having bad thoughts il be getting an emergency doctors appt tomorrow and more than likely a sickline.
What a fucking failure im so angry with myself that its gotton this bad again, i cant even hold down a fucking job.
The urges to cut are intense rn, but luckily im so exhausted I cant see straight my eyeballs are shaking.
Its getting to the point im thinking again is there really any point in me being here?
Im a shit mum
I cant hold down a job
I have 2 invisible illnesses that effect everything.
Iv lost my husband
I just want it to end im tired of being tired and sick of being sick
So im sorry iv been inactive…iv not had a good few days tbh.
Things are just going from bad to worse. I joined plenty of fish because im lonely iv no real friends so its nice to have people to talk to although i feel like a loser so im going to delete my profile.
Guess im just not meant to be happy.
Sorry folks cant really say much more atm been off sick from work again anxiety has been through the roof just feel like shit.