Fuck its been a while.

Iv no excuse as to why iv not posted my mind has been all over the place lately iv been off work for 6 weeks. Its ridiculous but im back on Thursday and i will prove i am capable.
I relapsed with self harm about 2 weeks ago and the urges since are phenominal, also still feeling suicidal but the home help team are handing me back to my CPN even though I have made it clear im not ready but thts the NHS for you.
My heart and mind has been fucked around so much lately that im no longer interested in relationships, i actually quite enjoy the lonliness.

My daughters behaviour hasnt improved but shes just started P2 and is getting special assistance which im hopeful will help.

My son starts nursery on monday where the fuck does time go!!! I still know they, my husband and my mum will be better off without me to be precise £115,000 better off!
Tbh im growing tired of life and beind a burden to everyone.

This depression just wont seem to lift.

  1. Positive thing today my new phone arrived
  2. I sold 2 packets of juice plus shakes for £20 so thats weed money sorted


Its a gorgeous phone although i really shouldnt have taken out more credit.

I cant wait to start working again start paying my mum back and helping my husband start his buisness then my work here will be done.

Took my evening meds 

200mg quitiepine, 40mg valium (they arent prescribed) 

And soon i shall blaze up 🍁

Well thats pretty much it. Until next time.

Xo

Del boy “you saw a movement in the trees? Ofc you saw a movement in the trees theres a ruddy typhoid out there” – sir david jason as Del Boy

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Its been a while.

I would like to say things have been better but sadly that isnt the case, i SHd last week, am back under the mental health homehelp team due to my suicidal thoughts.

I am now on a mood stabilizer ‘quetiapine’ and have had my sleeping tablets changed from Zopiclone 7.5mg to Zolpdiem 10mg.

Iv been on the quetiapine 4 days now, it has leveld my mood in the respect that the near psychosis is gone, and i am not feeling painfuly depressed but i still dont feel i want to carry on with life,

I had to go to my mums to pick the kids up and tbh im not even pleased they are back, yes iv missed them and love them but my frame of mind and mental state atm isnt suitable for children.

All of my mental health workers think im “so self aware” “inteligent” and “cooperative”

What they dont realise is im very good at lying, and telling people what they want to hear.

They ask do i want to get better? I respond “yes ofc” reality? No i cannot be fucked with this constant battle, im tired and have had enough.

My husband is back to his old tricks treating me like shit.

So as of rn, my plan to end my life is still in place I know my kids will be well looked after, 

The time they were away was amazing but went by too fast, i have said it before I dont want to be a parent, or perhaps let me rephrase that, im not capable of being a parent. I can barely look after myself.

I have a lot of avenues to venture before i decide what is what.

But i wanted to bring this up to speed so those who follow know i have not given up on this i just struggle to find anything worth writing about.


What is depression to you?

So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;

  • Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
  • Tiredness
  • Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them 
  • Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
  • Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
  • Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind 
  • Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
  • Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
  • Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.

So there it is… thats my depression.

I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.

 I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere

Until tomorrow

Xo


Failing

Im failing.

Im failing at being a wife

Im failing at blogging

Im failing at motherhood

Im failing Me

Im failing my family

Im failing at work

Im failing at being a friend

Im failing to maintain appointments

Im failing at losing weight

Im failing at life

Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.

I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.

I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?

What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.

Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.

Miss Lana Banana

Well today was about as productive as a car with no engine. So my moods dropped alot I feel very low and am having bad thoughts il be getting an emergency doctors appt tomorrow and more than likely a sickline.

What a fucking failure im so angry with myself that its gotton this bad again, i cant even hold down a fucking job.

The urges to cut are intense rn, but luckily im so exhausted I cant see straight my eyeballs are shaking.

Its getting to the point im thinking again is there really any point in me being here?

Im a shit mum

I cant hold down a job

I have 2 invisible illnesses that effect everything.

Iv lost my husband

I just want it to end im tired of being tired and sick of being sick

Addiction. Back to black.

Today has just been too much, I am SO sick of the way manager talks to me,

Yet again today she reduced me to tears and spoke to me like shit in front of the store, i dont know how much more i can take of this.

Bad thoughts are coming back faster than ever, i cant hurt myself anymore i made a promise to myself but can i stick to it? I just dont know anymore.

I am broken.

I am nothing.

I am on my 5th beer, i ordered a pizza im just exhausted 

Opening for a book? What you guys think?

*side note i wrote this last night and am seriously considering writing a book about my ; mental health, phsyical health and everything in between, whats your honest opinion?*

Sometimes its days, weeks even months.
Things go good, the world seems brighter, I feel more happiness and during these times, I always feel the bad times will never return, that eternal, suffocating darkness will never come back
I will never again experience the awful thoughts, the inability to feel feelings as others do, the numbness that takes over the heart and mind and every inch of my body.
Thats a dangerous way to think, the truth is, living with mental health problems is an eternal hell, its the worst form of suffering where you are led into a false sense of security and serentity, 
Only to realise that no matter what you do, how hard you try you will never be free of the darkness.
Those demons never leave you, they wait until you least expect it and drain every inch of life from you until your close to the end, you see stars, you begin to let go.
Then they stop..suddenly for the cycle to start over again. You no longer belong to yourself, your life is yours no more
Welcome to my world, welcome to my mind,- Chelsea Colquhoune.