What is depression to you?

So I have Bipolar and I experience highs and lows but depression is different in every person you cant just categorize it, here is what depression is for me;

  • Emotional numbness- I feel no sadness, no excitement, no love, nothing i literally feel nothing
  • Tiredness
  • Emotional detatchment from people im supposed to love and care about I dont care what happens to them 
  • Self harm- iv not self harmed in 4 months but the urges are getting stronger & I dont know how much I can hold out
  • Suicidal fixation- this is new to me, I have my suicide plan, every detail just not a date
  • Inability to do anything this isnt laziness my body does not cooperate with my mind 
  • Substance abuse tablets, alcohol anything just to feel something
  • Irritability iv no energy for anger or rage but i get pissed off at the slightest thing
  • Isolation i hate people, i trust no1, everyone is out to get me and I wont let them which is why iv no friends.

So there it is… thats my depression.

I miss my psychosis in a way, the spiritual connection I had with Satan, October who was always with me. I know this wasnt real but it was to me.

 I am not good enough for this world, i dont fit anywhere

Until tomorrow

Xo


Failing

Im failing.

Im failing at being a wife

Im failing at blogging

Im failing at motherhood

Im failing Me

Im failing my family

Im failing at work

Im failing at being a friend

Im failing to maintain appointments

Im failing at losing weight

Im failing at life

Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.

I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.

I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?

What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.

Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.

Miss Lana Banana

Well today was about as productive as a car with no engine. So my moods dropped alot I feel very low and am having bad thoughts il be getting an emergency doctors appt tomorrow and more than likely a sickline.

What a fucking failure im so angry with myself that its gotton this bad again, i cant even hold down a fucking job.

The urges to cut are intense rn, but luckily im so exhausted I cant see straight my eyeballs are shaking.

Its getting to the point im thinking again is there really any point in me being here?

Im a shit mum

I cant hold down a job

I have 2 invisible illnesses that effect everything.

Iv lost my husband

I just want it to end im tired of being tired and sick of being sick

Addiction. Back to black.

Today has just been too much, I am SO sick of the way manager talks to me,

Yet again today she reduced me to tears and spoke to me like shit in front of the store, i dont know how much more i can take of this.

Bad thoughts are coming back faster than ever, i cant hurt myself anymore i made a promise to myself but can i stick to it? I just dont know anymore.

I am broken.

I am nothing.

I am on my 5th beer, i ordered a pizza im just exhausted 

Opening for a book? What you guys think?

*side note i wrote this last night and am seriously considering writing a book about my ; mental health, phsyical health and everything in between, whats your honest opinion?*

Sometimes its days, weeks even months.
Things go good, the world seems brighter, I feel more happiness and during these times, I always feel the bad times will never return, that eternal, suffocating darkness will never come back
I will never again experience the awful thoughts, the inability to feel feelings as others do, the numbness that takes over the heart and mind and every inch of my body.
Thats a dangerous way to think, the truth is, living with mental health problems is an eternal hell, its the worst form of suffering where you are led into a false sense of security and serentity, 
Only to realise that no matter what you do, how hard you try you will never be free of the darkness.
Those demons never leave you, they wait until you least expect it and drain every inch of life from you until your close to the end, you see stars, you begin to let go.
Then they stop..suddenly for the cycle to start over again. You no longer belong to yourself, your life is yours no more
Welcome to my world, welcome to my mind,- Chelsea Colquhoune.

I dont fucking understand.

I technically have everything I should want a job, beautiful kids, a nice home yet I feel so fucking empty!!

Its like nothing is enough, not saying that nothing is good enough for me, thats a different ball game I just feel unfullfiled.

Im going to book 10 days in Iceland in November it sounds fucking perfect for me, icy cold, beautiful scenery, nature, long walks, log cabin its just what I need I came across it whilst looking for holidays with low terror threat (i panic easy) and I never realised how stunning it was.

Also i am going to book a long weekend in Amsterdam I need to clear my head and cycling through town, stoned sounds pretty good too me.

I feel really low tonight, back to work tomorrow the sense of dread I feel confuses me, I wanted this job so bad so why do I feel so useless and below everyone, i dont deserve the job.

Right now I dont feel I deserve life, i emptied all my tablets out earlier I have mood stabilisers, pregablin, morphine pills, 5 kinds of anti depressants, loads of 30/500 cocodamol, sleeping pills, tramadol you name it…i couldnt help but think…”this would get the job done” how did i end up back here again? What the fuck is wrong with me I just want to feel normal emotion in normal doses.

Kids dad isnt working tomorrow so when i finish im going somewhere anywhere but here.

I cant take these feelings.

I threw away all my blades tonight which was a big step for me, i havent self harmed in around 3 weeks i fucked that up too, 

My psyc thinks im refusing help cause I dont want to medicated.

Maybe i need to be medicated.

I just dont know anymore.

I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection- jax teller

Why bother

*possible trigger warning mentions self harm*

Today I thought I did good, got my daughter to school after battling with tantrums, did a little bit of shopping, picked my daughter up from school took her and my son for ice cream, tidyied up then I decided to order an indian takeaway, i thought it would be nice for my husband to come home too as hed been working from 7-6 and been to the gym and running so i thought itd be a treat.

He came home immediatley started giving off too me, telling id done nothing all day, id done the washes wrong, id hung up the washing wrong, the garden was a mess (there were a few of our kids toys out there like a couple of scooters, then he went onto the dinner asking “why i was trying to poison his body with salt” “did we not have takeaway yesterday?” “Wtf is wrong with you” and so on then came the “im not signing this lease again in august, you and the kids can go to a shelter, i get the shit end of deal while you think your off making a career” and so on.

I guess I just feel really hurt yes we did get a chinese last night (well a portion of rice and some chicken balls) that he chose, and we have had takeaway a few times lately so maybe I am getting lazy im just in the bad habit of not having the energy to cook after a long day, and at least with Indian he only has chicken and rice with a plain naan so it was semi healthy and I knew all hed had all day was a processed chicken sandwhich and some crisps and chocolate so I assumed (wrongly I guess) that hed appreciate a meal of some sort that didnt consist of chicken dippers or oven chips.

Hes right in saying I could have went n brought meat to cook but tbh I just didnt have the energy, i just wanted the food to be there so we could spend some time together before bed.

Aside from that today I thought was ok I felt quite accomplished but hearing him say “im a shit mum” “i struggle with the kids” “what is my purpse” i just feel really defeated.

I had too fight really really hard to not self harm I havent had urges like that in a long while and I thought those thoughts were behind me.

I just dont know what to do, he always has the fact that he has to sign the lease hanging over me, i dont know whether hel stay or go where il go what il do.

My heads just a mess and im back to work tomorrow and have to focus 1000% so i need a clear mind which usually id do by self harming or drinking but i dont either of those anymore.

So im feeling very alone, confused and sad tonight.

Until tomorrow

Xo