Real red

Another day, another blog!

Todays mood is somewhat of an improvment from yesterday, alot less irritability, 

I attempted too go out again but twas another fail, i think im gunner give up going into to the outside world too go shopping it just doesnt agree with me. Or I dont agree with it.

I used my new hairdye today it turned out alot better than it normally does, 🍎

I used the schwartzkoph xxl in shade Real Red as well as the Pillar Box Red from the same brand, underneath was supposed too be an intense violet shade but it turned out more of a murky brown. I think next time il go with cosmic blue but im never using Lorèal Preference again they are shit.

But overall I love how my hair turned out


There really isnt much else too mention today its been pretty uneventful and boring for once just been reading more Twilight.
Iv downloaded a few moodtracker apps so im going too try and persist with those aswell as the blogging,

Which I am quite proud of myself in that I have stuck too it so far.

Until tomorrow

Xox

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Im not leaving on a jet plane

Well i was supposed too be heading too my mums in London right now for my daughters 5th bday,

But low and behold the poor thing woke up with chicken pox so we aint going anywhere.

Also had a letter back regarding her autism refferal and apparently they feel her problems are primarily school based so have requested a school assistant…thats it, no support for me, doesnt matter that the behaviour at home is going from bad too worse and putting strain on everyone in the house inc my daughter.

Needless too say I broke down, I had a panic attack, that refferal was my lifeline i thought I would finally get some help and support but im back too square one.

And the fact we couldnt go away today due too her illness was just the final nail in the coffin we are both gutted she was so looking foward too it.

After my meltdown i composed myself, collected her medication and messed around with make up too distract myself.

Which worked, but also put me in the mood too go out, get messy drunk, then i remembered I have no friends too go out with total FAIL i have considered going out alone but because I come across as so rude and un-approachable id probably end up getting a kicking.

Which wouldnt bother me, i could do with dishing out a few digs but i fear if i lost control it would be very dangerous.

So here i sit, about too take a headache tablet, try and find a movie too watch and order chippy.

Heres a few photos from yday that wouldnt upload

I feel so restless I really want too do something I went too book Marilyn Manson tickets as they went on sale today but THEY SOLD OUT ALREADY 😭.

after earliers breakdown I feel quite comical, yet still emotionally unstable, i feel i could break any minute with the most delicate wind, wrong word, wrong look.

Im an emotional wreck its safe too say. 

But my makeup looks good af!!!

Till tomorrow

Xox

Maybe il watch crystal fairy and the magic cactus 🤔🤔

Heartbeats fast, colours and promises, how too be brave, how can I love when im afraid too fall, but watching you stand alone, all of my doubts, suddenly goes away some how. One step closer, I have died everyday waiting for you, darling dont be afraid i have loved you for 1000 years, il love you for 1000 more.

Im the sacrifice

Today has been…. strained, iv battled all day with negative thoughts that are distorting my reality, my head is a jumble of wanting too hurt myself, intense anger, lack of motivation and pretty much any negative emotion I can think of.

Iv managed too distract myself by reading Twilight, I cant believe after 3 years of being a huge Twilight fan im just reading the books! There are a lot of differences and its bugging me, the description of Bella and Edward are so different in the books, even though Robert Pattinson is undeniably beautiful and plays the perfect Edward, same with Kristen Stewarts portrayel of Bella.

I would usually read the books then watch the movies (like i did with Harry Potter).

But the Twilight books are as beautiful and enchanting as the movies so im happy.

  Weather today has been almost as Bipolar as me! Going from blazing sun and heat too torrential rain, atm its cool and cloudy, just beautiful.

I havent actually done any mindfulness today, except for reading, I may do some colouring though, although I get pissed off if a colour doesnt match I do actually enjoy colouring I just wish I could draw, my art skills involve lollypop trees and stick people!!

I really wish I could shake these negative feelings, the feelings of wanting too hurt myself I dont know how much longer I can refrain, its something I have done since I was 13, at 25 now its a long term coping mechanism.

I phone my psycs office every other day trying too get a cancellation but no such luck atm, looks like itl be the 30th still.

There really is nothing too report today, i havent eaten much then I went and got a Mcchicken Nugget sharebox 😂 kinda defeats the purpose of cutting out shit.

I found this on IG and it really hit home, there is so much truth in it.

I feel like a monster, for years iv been bullied, manipulated, undermined, treated like a selfish monster because I struggle so greatly with my Mental Health.

I just dont know what too do anymore I feel so trapped in my own mind and body, i think I breifly touched upon October in ydays post, my psyc thinks I split and she is my alter ego but too me she was someone who lived within me, guided me, helped me, loved me I miss her and how we used too be, thanks too the medication shes gone I almost feel grief?

I think I am going too have too do a ritual too get her back, and also dedicate my soul too Satan again so I can once more feel his power, but that being said why would he want a pathetic, weak, imbisiles soul like mine, iv nothing too offer anyone, I make everyone miserable, stressed, worried and im nothing but a burden.

Over the last year iv gone from  this

Too this 

I dont know who I am, what my purpose is, if im even real, my heads a fog of anger, flashbacks, sadness yet all I feel in my body is complete numbness. I am so confused and lonely Right Now.

Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark

Missing

Evening all, 

Posting abit earlier today as I just cannot face the world today, the negative feelings are creeping in but as usuall no sadness, but numbess, hate, one thing noticably different about this cycle is that my appetite is disapearing and when i do the smell makes me feel sick.

I had my CPN round today and because im struggling with wanting to self harm atm, she gave me some workbooks…

My motivation is wavering I keep starting things but dont want too finish them, my attention is short, fuse is even shorter, I really want too hurt myself its the only thing that keeps these shitty feelings at bay, I wrote a list of things I am going too say too my psychiatrist on the 30th, just feelings I feel now, luckily I also documented how I felt during my last mania, and I can see a vast difference.

Im 99% sure I have Bipolar as a pose too Bipolar type 2,

I also have started reading the HUGE journal I made during Psychosis and WOW its mad, so much deep deep maths, finding number patterns in absolutley everything, so much knowledge about ww1/ww2/titanic#lucitania/911 and so many other conspiracy theories, 

Pages and pages of Satanic ramblings reading it back now is like reading a text book designed for 6 formers when your only in year 4/5 impossible too make sense of, BUT im biting the bullet and am going too show my psychiatrist.

I find alot of it triggering in as the person that was living within me at the time made me cut deep and bleed on the paper as an apology for ignoring father Satan when I was hand picked by him too be one of his soldiers.

Its hard because October (who was the girl who lived within me for so many years) has disapeared ALL BECAUSE I CAVED AND TOOK MEDICATION im trying so hard too get her back, i miss her, she was always there ALWAYS since the day Satan spoke too me , she may not have been positive all the time but she was the only one who cared for me and now she is gone, i need her back , i dont feel satans love and power anymore, I need it back.

Im here now in my specs, listening too evanescences new album 

I have took some valium as I feel very stressed I feel abit more relaxed now but still very odd.

Im considering watching 13 reasons why again, not sure if thats a good idea the suicide scene was extremley triggering for me.

This was day 3 of 365 so thats 362 days remaining.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one:
“Isn’t something missing?”

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out:
“Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?”

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed,
Knowing you don’t care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?