Death

Death is no longer something i fear.

I fear the apprehension, IE; knowing you are going to die 

But the event itself does not scare me.

We live in a truly beautiful world and there is so much i want to see, do & explore, but I just dont see any hope in the future.

My plan is in motion yet I still feel nothing, no fear, no guilt, no anger just numbness.

I called lifeline last night who managed to distract me from self harming 

And I will try one more time, if I get refered to a&e I will see what happens, If I get failed once more im going to do it.

Leaving my children breaks my heart but they deserve a stable family, not someone who is so depressed they can barely take care of themselves.

So it looks like this may not be a 365 day blog challenge afterall I guess it depends on the outcome of the services.

SIDE NOTE i do not plan on doing anything tonight for now I am safe.

Betrayal

Guys i want to apologise i have been slacking lately,

Things are going from bad to worse, one of my biggest fears maybe coming true and I just dont know what to do.

I thought this time whilst the kids were away i could get my ex partner out of the house now circumstances have arisen in regards to my children and that is no longer possible.

Im also tired of people talking to me then cutting me out, and I have realised a guy who i thought was a friend I actually love, and have done for a long time now i have lost him to his new GF he doesnt even awknowledge me.

My life is melting in front of me, everything i feared would go wrong has gone wrong.

And im lost. Being honest with services that i am supposed to trust is no longer an option they have betrayed me in the worst way.

Losing my religion

Iv been questioning everything lately;

  • The reason or purpose of my life
  • My future
  • Should I even continue in life
  • Am i really that stupid, useless, unliked
  • Why do I have no friends
  • Why do I have no life

But above everything I have been question 2 big aspects of my life, 

  1. What is my sexuality- I dont find men “sexy” good looking even beautiful yes, but never sexually attractive, I dont overally enjoy sex but im not sure if that is just because there is no love behind my sex life, its just …. sex. Females I find sexy, I would say im sexually attracted to females as a pose to men, iv been very attracted to multiple girls in the past but I have never had sexual contact with one just kissing so I cant say for sure I am “gay” right?
  2. And this completley conflicts with my sexuality and it is religion…although I was raised a Catholic iv not practised religion since I was around 8ish, the most recent religions I have practised have been theistic satanism and Scientology… i have found myself lately seeking some kind of religion aa guidance, something to live for and study…I love all religions even Islam but I would say I am more drawn to Wiccan…so its something I am going to look into

Its all very confusing for me right now, with my soon to be ex husband moving out in a matter of weeks I find myself asking these important life questions, I feel a religion is something that should choose you, I was very interested in Scientology I read some books but something was missing.

I began Laveyan Satanism and felt I was getting somewhere but was still missing something so I went onto Theistic Satanism I felt I had found my calling but shortly after it was discovered I was experiencing psychosis so now I realise that actually it wasnt something that chose me its like doing something when your drunk its never meaningful.

Then I looked into Islam, but didnt agree on the views of gays and bisexuals

Wiccan is non judgemental so I will do some more research.


Well thats it from me today my brain is fried.

Until tomorrow

Xo

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide