Fuck its been a while.

Iv no excuse as to why iv not posted my mind has been all over the place lately iv been off work for 6 weeks. Its ridiculous but im back on Thursday and i will prove i am capable.
I relapsed with self harm about 2 weeks ago and the urges since are phenominal, also still feeling suicidal but the home help team are handing me back to my CPN even though I have made it clear im not ready but thts the NHS for you.
My heart and mind has been fucked around so much lately that im no longer interested in relationships, i actually quite enjoy the lonliness.

My daughters behaviour hasnt improved but shes just started P2 and is getting special assistance which im hopeful will help.

My son starts nursery on monday where the fuck does time go!!! I still know they, my husband and my mum will be better off without me to be precise £115,000 better off!
Tbh im growing tired of life and beind a burden to everyone.

This depression just wont seem to lift.

  1. Positive thing today my new phone arrived
  2. I sold 2 packets of juice plus shakes for £20 so thats weed money sorted


Its a gorgeous phone although i really shouldnt have taken out more credit.

I cant wait to start working again start paying my mum back and helping my husband start his buisness then my work here will be done.

Took my evening meds 

200mg quitiepine, 40mg valium (they arent prescribed) 

And soon i shall blaze up 🍁

Well thats pretty much it. Until next time.

Xo

Del boy “you saw a movement in the trees? Ofc you saw a movement in the trees theres a ruddy typhoid out there” – sir david jason as Del Boy

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Its been a while.

I would like to say things have been better but sadly that isnt the case, i SHd last week, am back under the mental health homehelp team due to my suicidal thoughts.

I am now on a mood stabilizer ‘quetiapine’ and have had my sleeping tablets changed from Zopiclone 7.5mg to Zolpdiem 10mg.

Iv been on the quetiapine 4 days now, it has leveld my mood in the respect that the near psychosis is gone, and i am not feeling painfuly depressed but i still dont feel i want to carry on with life,

I had to go to my mums to pick the kids up and tbh im not even pleased they are back, yes iv missed them and love them but my frame of mind and mental state atm isnt suitable for children.

All of my mental health workers think im “so self aware” “inteligent” and “cooperative”

What they dont realise is im very good at lying, and telling people what they want to hear.

They ask do i want to get better? I respond “yes ofc” reality? No i cannot be fucked with this constant battle, im tired and have had enough.

My husband is back to his old tricks treating me like shit.

So as of rn, my plan to end my life is still in place I know my kids will be well looked after, 

The time they were away was amazing but went by too fast, i have said it before I dont want to be a parent, or perhaps let me rephrase that, im not capable of being a parent. I can barely look after myself.

I have a lot of avenues to venture before i decide what is what.

But i wanted to bring this up to speed so those who follow know i have not given up on this i just struggle to find anything worth writing about.


Death

Death is no longer something i fear.

I fear the apprehension, IE; knowing you are going to die 

But the event itself does not scare me.

We live in a truly beautiful world and there is so much i want to see, do & explore, but I just dont see any hope in the future.

My plan is in motion yet I still feel nothing, no fear, no guilt, no anger just numbness.

I called lifeline last night who managed to distract me from self harming 

And I will try one more time, if I get refered to a&e I will see what happens, If I get failed once more im going to do it.

Leaving my children breaks my heart but they deserve a stable family, not someone who is so depressed they can barely take care of themselves.

So it looks like this may not be a 365 day blog challenge afterall I guess it depends on the outcome of the services.

SIDE NOTE i do not plan on doing anything tonight for now I am safe.