Decision made….

So tomorrow I will return too work, its logical I need the routine and structure even though I dont mentally feel well enough too go back the stress of having too claim ESA and go without money is too much 😦 

Im giving myself 1 month, no absense nothing as much as I hate it I will stick it out for the month even if it comes too the worst I get a months wages right?

I got myself some bits with a newlook voucher I found that expires tomorrow! Lucky timing
So having a new outfit too wear is making it a bit more tolerable even though the shift is 4pm-1130pm 😭😭.

I have my letter too take in too cut my hours down too 16 from 30 as i cannot manage 30 and 16 is the minimum for wtc.

Also on Monday my new routine begins!! Starting the day with exercise, and EVERYTHING will be structured so when I actually sit down I feel I deserve it.

The heat is too much for me today with my intracranial hypertension the heat just flares it up, so i get irritable, along with headaches and shit vision. I really do despise the sun BRING ON THE WINTER !!!

Im so proud of my dinner today I made my own pasta sauce using:

Pack of cherry tomatos, 5 shallots, 3 birds eye chillis and a handful of fresh basil, I baked the gluten free meatballs instead of frying them and added some chunky veg then made my own garlic butter and put it on the ciabatta it was so fresh, tasty and light!! && HEALTHY. No dyes, no sugar only a pinch of salt.

So actually today has been quite positive minus the heat!! 

Also just a quickie I got this today its the e.l.f mint maniac lip scrub its gorgeous smells amazing and is really scrubby!! Until tomorrow 

Xox
Ps. Im going too tidy up now and do some mindfullness go me!! πŸ‘ŒπŸ‘Œ

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Back too work? Back too reality?…

The title says it all… i have actually been healthy today! First time for everything, although overall today has nearly pushed me over the edge… i am barely hanging on here.

But yet here I am right? Another day another struggle.

I found out I am back too work on the 26th, its literally either I go back on the 26th but request my hours drop from 30 too 16 as I cant manage 30, OR I stay off claim ESA, lose my Β£3 pw wtc and keep my Β£113 pw ctc…. I am also putting in a claim for PIP which im nearly positive il not get due too me taking myself off my meds…

I think as much as I will struggle working will benefit me in the fact it will get me into routine, give me some kind of purpose BUT the negative effects this job has on my mental health is incredible? The people, the job itself really stresses me out even though its easy as piss.

And im sure working will effect my claim for PIP.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TOO DO πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ€”πŸ€”

In other news I washed my hair for the first time and it hasnt faded much, but I brought new dye just incase.

I still feel so stressed and angry still im dreading waking up tomorrow because it is the same shit over and over again and I cant handle it anymore.

This appointment with my psychiatrist seems too be dragging so much I wish it was sooner the 30th feels a lifetime away,  im going too be completley honest with him with EVERYTHING what that means for me? Who knows but in order too get better I have too be brutally honest.

Nothings right im torn, 

This anger is going too kill me.

So i thought things with me and my “husband” were improving, things had started too feel more natural again, he didnt seem as cold toward me, but it was too good too be true.

See I have this very accurate 6th sense when it comes too certain things, for example I knew that he had slept with someone else last year, he denied it for the year, calling me crazy , paranoid etc then I found out from A stranger at work that it was true, and more so was the girl I had suspected all along.

Though I knew deep in my soul he had cheated, when it was confirmed it broke me, in a way I never thought was possible, my head span as I felt like an asteroid hit me in my gut with extreme force, throwing me so far back with so much Gforce I thought I may have dropped dead there and then, but composed I simply asked “do you still want too be with me”? 

He said he did so I fought and fought and eventually moved passed what had happened, never getting over though I dont think it is possible too completley get over the damage infidelity cause but somehow I got through.

He came home that night deep scratch marks in his back, not even trying too hide but still insulting me by lying that hed fell into a bush etc etc.

He also lied saying hed used protection, he didnt.

 Fast forward too present day as I said things felt better we were together, in everyway I was stupidly even starting too trust him again, i was starting too heal, sure my MH problems are ongoing but were no longer in relation too that or anything else hed put me through

Then last night out of the blue he got a whatsapp message no biggy he often gets them, but once again that feeling flicked in my tummy that all too familiar feeling, the way he reacted, quickly swiping the message away gave it all away, 
He got super defensive saying things like “were not together anyway” “why are you acting like a psycho” etc etc the typical Narssisitic behaviour rearing its ugly head again,

I snatched the phone after a struggle and though a few messages had been deleted they were seeming very cosy arranging a date.

Turns out they met at the gym he goes too everyday,

Yet this time instead of intense sadness which is ofc still present I feel anger like I have never experienced before. I want too hurt her If I dont hurt myself too relieve this anger I am going too do something bad, I can feel it, I am not going through this again I WILL NOT BE MADE A CUNT OUT OF AGAIN.

its not happening. 

Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be
Have you no shame don’t you see me
You know you’ve got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you’re pretending
But now I know she

Never was and never will be
You don’t know how you’ve betrayed me
And somehow you’ve got everybody fooled

Without the mask where will you hide
Can’t find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don’t love you anymore

Never was and never will be
You don’t know how you’ve betrayed me
And somehow you have everybody fooled

It never was and never will be
You’re not real and you can’t save me
Somehow now you’re everybody’s fool

The day that slep away.

*TRIGGER WARNING MENTIONS SEXUALL ASSAULT*

Well today has been spent in bed, I have no interest in anything now, not food anything.
Im bored beyond bored, I am numb of emotion, I feel no pain, anger happiness, nothing I fell asleep about 1130am, just woke now at 1810pm, its still light, a nice cool breeze is blowing in through my always open window, it feels refreshing too me,

Im supposed too be getting up too help with dinner but everytime I move i just get a sense of dread, what is the point, 

I look out of my window and it is beautiful, i cannot deny this planets natural beauty, I just dont feel I should be a part of it….

Ok granted this is a really fucking hideous photo but its my view atm I just wanted you too have a first person view I guess.


I wish so hard that these feelings would go, that I could live a life without extreme emotional phases that leave me dazed and confused. I have lost everything through mental health and the extreme variation between the rapid mood swings of BPD, the traits of Schitzotypical PD and with the added joy of Bipolar 2s hypomani and depressive periods I have no life. I am a shell 
I am also boring here are some facts about me:

  • I went too 9 primary schools and was a problem in all of them
  • I have lived in West Sussex, Essex, London, Germany, Northern Ireland
  • I have NO GCSES
  • I have Group B Strep
  • I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7, in EVERY way, the one thing I never told anyone is that he had sex with me, nobodie believed me , he used too pay me at the end of our “session” saying ” i was being an illegal worker and if I told anyone I would be arrested” the money would range from Β£1.50 too Β£5 depending on what we done
  • I got married in 2010 too the only man Iv ever loved, and now lost
  • I have a neurological condition called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension in short excessive fluid on my brain 

Well i hope you enjoyed those facts, probably not but I did say you would get too know me on a deeper level.

Too summarise today has been shit, I am struggling and I am an empty shell.

Until tomorrow xox

6am thoughts

..​this is an additonal blog post my usual will still be up this evening..

MY CHILD BENEFIT WAS DUE TODAY AND HASNT GONE IN.

This is just one more knock, one more inconvieniance and stress I do not need.

More and more everyday I am seeing reasons that I am not compatible with this world.

Working and Child tax decided too change my allowance too weekly from monthly for NO reason.

Iv been on long term sick for 26ish weeks, my SSP is due too end,

I look fine sure, so why can I not work? Because merely being around people is such a struggle for me, I feel them draining my soul, I am so consumed with anxiety and paranoia, my mind so preoccupied with harming myself my mental health is so unpredictable and makes even going shopping impossible.

My confusion at this world is endless, why am I here, like seriously im becoming so so deeply angry at my lack of life, im exsisting not living isnt that the opposite of life, Iv no career, no qualifications, so much I want too do but no means of doing it.

I NEED my money, when will this end.

The feeling of treading water is back, i am in the middle of the sea, rough icey cold waters unrelentlessly crash and smother me, and each of these problems are adding rocks too my feet, I dont know how many it will take before they pull me under, infact I long too feel my body finally give in too the weight and instead of feeling the icey , sharp aggressive water subside too the smooth peaceful undercurrent.
Im about up too my nostrils atm, the water is swishing up my nose everytime a wave crashes,  causing me too cough, struggle too breath.
the outcome of this call wont be good i can feel it the money I need so desperatley wont be here today.

Real red

Another day, another blog!

Todays mood is somewhat of an improvment from yesterday, alot less irritability, 

I attempted too go out again but twas another fail, i think im gunner give up going into to the outside world too go shopping it just doesnt agree with me. Or I dont agree with it.

I used my new hairdye today it turned out alot better than it normally does, 🍎

I used the schwartzkoph xxl in shade Real Red as well as the Pillar Box Red from the same brand, underneath was supposed too be an intense violet shade but it turned out more of a murky brown. I think next time il go with cosmic blue but im never using Lorèal Preference again they are shit.

But overall I love how my hair turned out


There really isnt much else too mention today its been pretty uneventful and boring for once just been reading more Twilight.
Iv downloaded a few moodtracker apps so im going too try and persist with those aswell as the blogging,

Which I am quite proud of myself in that I have stuck too it so far.

Until tomorrow

Xox