The chance that got away

Instagram: chelsea_colquhoune

Well, today was an epic failure, I attempted too take myself into a very busy town centre as an experiment,

I was on the train when it began, the intense sense that I could hear the minds of the other passengers, they were all thinking about what a mess I was, how bad I looked, that they wanted too hurt me.

I plugged in my headphones and shut myself off, it worked slightly as the train was very quiet and there were few people on my carriage.

When I actually got too the town there was police in riot trucks everywhere ofc I chose the day where there was a fucking Irish language freedom thing which took up the majority of the high street, one corner was pro abortionists, the other was anti-abortionists with grotesque photos of dead and mangled pre term babies.

Then there were african christians shouting how we are all going too hell and some jehovas witnesses for good measure making it 10x more busy than usual.

I do not keep quiet about my deep rooted hatred for people, and with everyone bumping into me i found myself ramming them twice as hard, resulting in the odd altercation.

I like too keep my social life closed, i do not go too pubs, clubs, or even have any friends, i keep my socialising limited too online unless i really have too go out.

I managed too get a few things that i needed but not everything which is frustrating… 

I plan on dying my hair tomorrow red and violet, iv no idea how its going too turn out i have been red and blue before but that was on bleached hair it looks more red and black but it was midnight blue.

I find changing my hair theraputic and it helps balance my mood, today I hate myself as much as I hate other people! I went into lush cosmetics for 1 bathbomb… got bombared by about 3 members off staff I had too walk out it was ridiculous.

Anyway the title of the blog is in regards too the fact I was going too disapear into the sunset for a while but my anxiety and anti-socialness soon stopped that. But hey I got proper root beer….

What an angry negative post this has been hopefully tomorrow will show some improvement

My need too hurt myself is still there but for now I resist…how long for I cannot know.

Xox

I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is so deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection.- Jax Teller

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Im not leaving on a jet plane

Well i was supposed too be heading too my mums in London right now for my daughters 5th bday,

But low and behold the poor thing woke up with chicken pox so we aint going anywhere.

Also had a letter back regarding her autism refferal and apparently they feel her problems are primarily school based so have requested a school assistant…thats it, no support for me, doesnt matter that the behaviour at home is going from bad too worse and putting strain on everyone in the house inc my daughter.

Needless too say I broke down, I had a panic attack, that refferal was my lifeline i thought I would finally get some help and support but im back too square one.

And the fact we couldnt go away today due too her illness was just the final nail in the coffin we are both gutted she was so looking foward too it.

After my meltdown i composed myself, collected her medication and messed around with make up too distract myself.

Which worked, but also put me in the mood too go out, get messy drunk, then i remembered I have no friends too go out with total FAIL i have considered going out alone but because I come across as so rude and un-approachable id probably end up getting a kicking.

Which wouldnt bother me, i could do with dishing out a few digs but i fear if i lost control it would be very dangerous.

So here i sit, about too take a headache tablet, try and find a movie too watch and order chippy.

Heres a few photos from yday that wouldnt upload

I feel so restless I really want too do something I went too book Marilyn Manson tickets as they went on sale today but THEY SOLD OUT ALREADY 😭.

after earliers breakdown I feel quite comical, yet still emotionally unstable, i feel i could break any minute with the most delicate wind, wrong word, wrong look.

Im an emotional wreck its safe too say. 

But my makeup looks good af!!!

Till tomorrow

Xox

Maybe il watch crystal fairy and the magic cactus 🤔🤔

Heartbeats fast, colours and promises, how too be brave, how can I love when im afraid too fall, but watching you stand alone, all of my doubts, suddenly goes away some how. One step closer, I have died everyday waiting for you, darling dont be afraid i have loved you for 1000 years, il love you for 1000 more.

The end?

I dont know if I can cope much longer, iv been saying this for a while now, and never thought I would be back in this situation yet here I am.

Today started off shakey, turned out ok, then ended shit. Yesterday I felt numb, Today I feel sad and yet again more anger.

I walked a little took some beautiful photos for some reason alot of them wont upload….

f
I need to get away, I need too just get on a bus and another bus and keep travelling until I am far far away, otherwise I do fear that I may not make it too the end of the year, it is getting too the point where I just dont feel compatible with life , I dont know anything.

Who am i?

What is my purpose?

What is my destiny?

I have done nothing with my life, nothing at all and Im both emotionally and phsically exhausted

Im so unbelivably confused today, my heads full of noise.

I just dont know.

My head is a jungle

Im the sacrifice

Today has been…. strained, iv battled all day with negative thoughts that are distorting my reality, my head is a jumble of wanting too hurt myself, intense anger, lack of motivation and pretty much any negative emotion I can think of.

Iv managed too distract myself by reading Twilight, I cant believe after 3 years of being a huge Twilight fan im just reading the books! There are a lot of differences and its bugging me, the description of Bella and Edward are so different in the books, even though Robert Pattinson is undeniably beautiful and plays the perfect Edward, same with Kristen Stewarts portrayel of Bella.

I would usually read the books then watch the movies (like i did with Harry Potter).

But the Twilight books are as beautiful and enchanting as the movies so im happy.

  Weather today has been almost as Bipolar as me! Going from blazing sun and heat too torrential rain, atm its cool and cloudy, just beautiful.

I havent actually done any mindfulness today, except for reading, I may do some colouring though, although I get pissed off if a colour doesnt match I do actually enjoy colouring I just wish I could draw, my art skills involve lollypop trees and stick people!!

I really wish I could shake these negative feelings, the feelings of wanting too hurt myself I dont know how much longer I can refrain, its something I have done since I was 13, at 25 now its a long term coping mechanism.

I phone my psycs office every other day trying too get a cancellation but no such luck atm, looks like itl be the 30th still.

There really is nothing too report today, i havent eaten much then I went and got a Mcchicken Nugget sharebox 😂 kinda defeats the purpose of cutting out shit.

I found this on IG and it really hit home, there is so much truth in it.

I feel like a monster, for years iv been bullied, manipulated, undermined, treated like a selfish monster because I struggle so greatly with my Mental Health.

I just dont know what too do anymore I feel so trapped in my own mind and body, i think I breifly touched upon October in ydays post, my psyc thinks I split and she is my alter ego but too me she was someone who lived within me, guided me, helped me, loved me I miss her and how we used too be, thanks too the medication shes gone I almost feel grief?

I think I am going too have too do a ritual too get her back, and also dedicate my soul too Satan again so I can once more feel his power, but that being said why would he want a pathetic, weak, imbisiles soul like mine, iv nothing too offer anyone, I make everyone miserable, stressed, worried and im nothing but a burden.

Over the last year iv gone from  this

Too this 

I dont know who I am, what my purpose is, if im even real, my heads a fog of anger, flashbacks, sadness yet all I feel in my body is complete numbness. I am so confused and lonely Right Now.

Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark

Missing

Evening all, 

Posting abit earlier today as I just cannot face the world today, the negative feelings are creeping in but as usuall no sadness, but numbess, hate, one thing noticably different about this cycle is that my appetite is disapearing and when i do the smell makes me feel sick.

I had my CPN round today and because im struggling with wanting to self harm atm, she gave me some workbooks…

My motivation is wavering I keep starting things but dont want too finish them, my attention is short, fuse is even shorter, I really want too hurt myself its the only thing that keeps these shitty feelings at bay, I wrote a list of things I am going too say too my psychiatrist on the 30th, just feelings I feel now, luckily I also documented how I felt during my last mania, and I can see a vast difference.

Im 99% sure I have Bipolar as a pose too Bipolar type 2,

I also have started reading the HUGE journal I made during Psychosis and WOW its mad, so much deep deep maths, finding number patterns in absolutley everything, so much knowledge about ww1/ww2/titanic#lucitania/911 and so many other conspiracy theories, 

Pages and pages of Satanic ramblings reading it back now is like reading a text book designed for 6 formers when your only in year 4/5 impossible too make sense of, BUT im biting the bullet and am going too show my psychiatrist.

I find alot of it triggering in as the person that was living within me at the time made me cut deep and bleed on the paper as an apology for ignoring father Satan when I was hand picked by him too be one of his soldiers.

Its hard because October (who was the girl who lived within me for so many years) has disapeared ALL BECAUSE I CAVED AND TOOK MEDICATION im trying so hard too get her back, i miss her, she was always there ALWAYS since the day Satan spoke too me , she may not have been positive all the time but she was the only one who cared for me and now she is gone, i need her back , i dont feel satans love and power anymore, I need it back.

Im here now in my specs, listening too evanescences new album 

I have took some valium as I feel very stressed I feel abit more relaxed now but still very odd.

Im considering watching 13 reasons why again, not sure if thats a good idea the suicide scene was extremley triggering for me.

This was day 3 of 365 so thats 362 days remaining.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one:
“Isn’t something missing?”

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out:
“Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?”

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed,
Knowing you don’t care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

The red edge edition

Song of the day: R.E.S.P.E.C.T because I dont get the respect I deserve.

Ahhh day 2, 

It started off well greeted by my favourite weather (The Rain), 

For some reason the rain gives me motivation, it cheers me up, what the sun does for some, the rain does for me… then what happens THE SUN COMES OUT

It could be worse I guess, so im going too stop complaining.

I got my books today my red edge twilight books, my twilight box set, wreck this journal and Twilight graphic novel!

Sad for a 25 year old I know but I love Twilight , I feel I was born too be a vampire I just havent met my Edward yet.

The situation with my relationship isnt getting any better, I love him so much, but things just wont get anybetter but I dont want too leave Northern Ireland that is one thing im certain of I love it here its beautiful I just couldnt face leaving here I have spent 4 years here which isnt the longest but my heart is here.

Its so naturally beautiful and I feel so selfish that in 4 years iv not explored half of it,

Tomorrow Im going too the country park its my task for tomorrow!

Other than that today has been un eventful like this blog, and everything else, my mood is ok, not up not down but day 2 and im still sticking too my blog challenge

Day 2 of 365 363 days too go.

There is always someone worse off

The nobodies, mindfullness & an indian

Song of the day:

Marilyn Manson- The Nobodies (why) Because I am a fucking NOBODY.

I was going too write this entry later on, however I cant see much good happening, Im in a fucking foul mood I hate everything today.

Its been one of those days you know, you put your toothbrush on the sink, EVERYTHING falls off, textures annoy me and its sunny I HATE THE SUN.

This is a real hateful entry your thinking? Yeah it is, but hey we all have days like this right?

Il try too be more positive, one of my parcels arrived today,

My mindfulness package arrived (see photo)

Its full of welbeing workbooks, journal kind of things to try and get me too see things in a bit more of a positive way and divert myself from the self harm that are clawing there nasty little claws into my brain, and causing me too feel it ok ok im gunna stop i dont wana get into details and get myself kicked off on my first day but im sure u get what I mean if youve been in this position but im determined NOT to break my 5 months clean I CAN DO THIS right?

I should have another parcel coming tomorrow or tuesday full of Twilight books 😍 im a huge twilight fan dont hate!!

Thankfully the kids dad isnt working tomorrow so I have a day to do something so i dont want too let my mood get in the way il maybe take a walk down the seafront iv no money well i have about £80

And on Friday me and my daughter are going too my mums as its my daughters 5th birthday,

I think il take the day too myself as my mum and Step Dad are taking her out…

I dont feel like a mum, ofc I love my children more than life but there behaviour and attitude is breaking me down too nothing its relentless 24/7 tantrums. My daughter is being tested for autism so im aware she cannot help it but I have no support from doctors until she is diagnosed so im going it alone, and im sure if any of you have autistic children you can relate too how hard it is right she is SO LOVING but at the same time so nasty and hateful and aggressive.

Well im going too leave it here for today, wow writing this has actually calmed me down a bit! Im going too order an indian and watch a movie.

Until tomorrow! Thats day 1/365 , 364 remaining.

Xox