Im the sacrifice

Today has been…. strained, iv battled all day with negative thoughts that are distorting my reality, my head is a jumble of wanting too hurt myself, intense anger, lack of motivation and pretty much any negative emotion I can think of.

Iv managed too distract myself by reading Twilight, I cant believe after 3 years of being a huge Twilight fan im just reading the books! There are a lot of differences and its bugging me, the description of Bella and Edward are so different in the books, even though Robert Pattinson is undeniably beautiful and plays the perfect Edward, same with Kristen Stewarts portrayel of Bella.

I would usually read the books then watch the movies (like i did with Harry Potter).

But the Twilight books are as beautiful and enchanting as the movies so im happy.

  Weather today has been almost as Bipolar as me! Going from blazing sun and heat too torrential rain, atm its cool and cloudy, just beautiful.

I havent actually done any mindfulness today, except for reading, I may do some colouring though, although I get pissed off if a colour doesnt match I do actually enjoy colouring I just wish I could draw, my art skills involve lollypop trees and stick people!!

I really wish I could shake these negative feelings, the feelings of wanting too hurt myself I dont know how much longer I can refrain, its something I have done since I was 13, at 25 now its a long term coping mechanism.

I phone my psycs office every other day trying too get a cancellation but no such luck atm, looks like itl be the 30th still.

There really is nothing too report today, i havent eaten much then I went and got a Mcchicken Nugget sharebox 😂 kinda defeats the purpose of cutting out shit.

I found this on IG and it really hit home, there is so much truth in it.

I feel like a monster, for years iv been bullied, manipulated, undermined, treated like a selfish monster because I struggle so greatly with my Mental Health.

I just dont know what too do anymore I feel so trapped in my own mind and body, i think I breifly touched upon October in ydays post, my psyc thinks I split and she is my alter ego but too me she was someone who lived within me, guided me, helped me, loved me I miss her and how we used too be, thanks too the medication shes gone I almost feel grief?

I think I am going too have too do a ritual too get her back, and also dedicate my soul too Satan again so I can once more feel his power, but that being said why would he want a pathetic, weak, imbisiles soul like mine, iv nothing too offer anyone, I make everyone miserable, stressed, worried and im nothing but a burden.

Over the last year iv gone from  this

Too this 

I dont know who I am, what my purpose is, if im even real, my heads a fog of anger, flashbacks, sadness yet all I feel in my body is complete numbness. I am so confused and lonely Right Now.

Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark

Missing

Evening all, 

Posting abit earlier today as I just cannot face the world today, the negative feelings are creeping in but as usuall no sadness, but numbess, hate, one thing noticably different about this cycle is that my appetite is disapearing and when i do the smell makes me feel sick.

I had my CPN round today and because im struggling with wanting to self harm atm, she gave me some workbooks…

My motivation is wavering I keep starting things but dont want too finish them, my attention is short, fuse is even shorter, I really want too hurt myself its the only thing that keeps these shitty feelings at bay, I wrote a list of things I am going too say too my psychiatrist on the 30th, just feelings I feel now, luckily I also documented how I felt during my last mania, and I can see a vast difference.

Im 99% sure I have Bipolar as a pose too Bipolar type 2,

I also have started reading the HUGE journal I made during Psychosis and WOW its mad, so much deep deep maths, finding number patterns in absolutley everything, so much knowledge about ww1/ww2/titanic#lucitania/911 and so many other conspiracy theories, 

Pages and pages of Satanic ramblings reading it back now is like reading a text book designed for 6 formers when your only in year 4/5 impossible too make sense of, BUT im biting the bullet and am going too show my psychiatrist.

I find alot of it triggering in as the person that was living within me at the time made me cut deep and bleed on the paper as an apology for ignoring father Satan when I was hand picked by him too be one of his soldiers.

Its hard because October (who was the girl who lived within me for so many years) has disapeared ALL BECAUSE I CAVED AND TOOK MEDICATION im trying so hard too get her back, i miss her, she was always there ALWAYS since the day Satan spoke too me , she may not have been positive all the time but she was the only one who cared for me and now she is gone, i need her back , i dont feel satans love and power anymore, I need it back.

Im here now in my specs, listening too evanescences new album 

I have took some valium as I feel very stressed I feel abit more relaxed now but still very odd.

Im considering watching 13 reasons why again, not sure if thats a good idea the suicide scene was extremley triggering for me.

This was day 3 of 365 so thats 362 days remaining.

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one:
“Isn’t something missing?”

You won’t cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won’t be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out:
“Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t someone missing me?”

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I’ll bleed,
Knowing you don’t care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn’t something missing?
Isn’t something

Even though I’m the sacrifice,
You won’t try for me, not now.
Though I’d die to know you love me,
I’m all alone.
Isn’t someone missing me?

The red edge edition

Song of the day: R.E.S.P.E.C.T because I dont get the respect I deserve.

Ahhh day 2, 

It started off well greeted by my favourite weather (The Rain), 

For some reason the rain gives me motivation, it cheers me up, what the sun does for some, the rain does for me… then what happens THE SUN COMES OUT

It could be worse I guess, so im going too stop complaining.

I got my books today my red edge twilight books, my twilight box set, wreck this journal and Twilight graphic novel!

Sad for a 25 year old I know but I love Twilight , I feel I was born too be a vampire I just havent met my Edward yet.

The situation with my relationship isnt getting any better, I love him so much, but things just wont get anybetter but I dont want too leave Northern Ireland that is one thing im certain of I love it here its beautiful I just couldnt face leaving here I have spent 4 years here which isnt the longest but my heart is here.

Its so naturally beautiful and I feel so selfish that in 4 years iv not explored half of it,

Tomorrow Im going too the country park its my task for tomorrow!

Other than that today has been un eventful like this blog, and everything else, my mood is ok, not up not down but day 2 and im still sticking too my blog challenge

Day 2 of 365 363 days too go.

There is always someone worse off

The nobodies, mindfullness & an indian

Song of the day:

Marilyn Manson- The Nobodies (why) Because I am a fucking NOBODY.

I was going too write this entry later on, however I cant see much good happening, Im in a fucking foul mood I hate everything today.

Its been one of those days you know, you put your toothbrush on the sink, EVERYTHING falls off, textures annoy me and its sunny I HATE THE SUN.

This is a real hateful entry your thinking? Yeah it is, but hey we all have days like this right?

Il try too be more positive, one of my parcels arrived today,

My mindfulness package arrived (see photo)

Its full of welbeing workbooks, journal kind of things to try and get me too see things in a bit more of a positive way and divert myself from the self harm that are clawing there nasty little claws into my brain, and causing me too feel it ok ok im gunna stop i dont wana get into details and get myself kicked off on my first day but im sure u get what I mean if youve been in this position but im determined NOT to break my 5 months clean I CAN DO THIS right?

I should have another parcel coming tomorrow or tuesday full of Twilight books 😍 im a huge twilight fan dont hate!!

Thankfully the kids dad isnt working tomorrow so I have a day to do something so i dont want too let my mood get in the way il maybe take a walk down the seafront iv no money well i have about £80

And on Friday me and my daughter are going too my mums as its my daughters 5th birthday,

I think il take the day too myself as my mum and Step Dad are taking her out…

I dont feel like a mum, ofc I love my children more than life but there behaviour and attitude is breaking me down too nothing its relentless 24/7 tantrums. My daughter is being tested for autism so im aware she cannot help it but I have no support from doctors until she is diagnosed so im going it alone, and im sure if any of you have autistic children you can relate too how hard it is right she is SO LOVING but at the same time so nasty and hateful and aggressive.

Well im going too leave it here for today, wow writing this has actually calmed me down a bit! Im going too order an indian and watch a movie.

Until tomorrow! Thats day 1/365 , 364 remaining.

Xox

New Day New Blog.

Well well well….

I am setting myself a challenge too stick at blogging for a whole year starting from today!!!

Lets make this first post all about yours truely, as my blog progresses you will get too know me on a deeper level so lets begin

I am 25 years old, live in Northern Ireland, am a soon too be divorcee and am probably the most confusing individual I know.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder & Bipolar Type 2, I have other MH sub genres but well go with these for now.

I have a history of Self Harm

I am actually around 4 months SH free atm, which is a massive milestone for me as I normally relapse pretty quickly.

Although the thoughts and urges have reoccured lately I am thus far resisting!

Due too my MH problems my image changes drastically all the time I go from Satanic goth who performs rituals and other dark shit, with piercings and tattoos

Too a girlie girl wanabe who removes said peircings resulting in the same peircings being done multiple times.

Then going on too my project which is Wildest Dreams Media im looking too write, and produce a paranormal mockumentary in the future as something too focus on

Well I think thatl do for now il be sure too post again later

In the meantime you can follow me on Instagram at: chelsea_colquhoune

Catch yas soon

Xox