Today has been…. strained, iv battled all day with negative thoughts that are distorting my reality, my head is a jumble of wanting too hurt myself, intense anger, lack of motivation and pretty much any negative emotion I can think of.
Iv managed too distract myself by reading Twilight, I cant believe after 3 years of being a huge Twilight fan im just reading the books! There are a lot of differences and its bugging me, the description of Bella and Edward are so different in the books, even though Robert Pattinson is undeniably beautiful and plays the perfect Edward, same with Kristen Stewarts portrayel of Bella.
I would usually read the books then watch the movies (like i did with Harry Potter).
But the Twilight books are as beautiful and enchanting as the movies so im happy.
I havent actually done any mindfulness today, except for reading, I may do some colouring though, although I get pissed off if a colour doesnt match I do actually enjoy colouring I just wish I could draw, my art skills involve lollypop trees and stick people!!
I really wish I could shake these negative feelings, the feelings of wanting too hurt myself I dont know how much longer I can refrain, its something I have done since I was 13, at 25 now its a long term coping mechanism.
I phone my psycs office every other day trying too get a cancellation but no such luck atm, looks like itl be the 30th still.
There really is nothing too report today, i havent eaten much then I went and got a Mcchicken Nugget sharebox 😂 kinda defeats the purpose of cutting out shit.
I found this on IG and it really hit home, there is so much truth in it.
I feel like a monster, for years iv been bullied, manipulated, undermined, treated like a selfish monster because I struggle so greatly with my Mental Health.
I just dont know what too do anymore I feel so trapped in my own mind and body, i think I breifly touched upon October in ydays post, my psyc thinks I split and she is my alter ego but too me she was someone who lived within me, guided me, helped me, loved me I miss her and how we used too be, thanks too the medication shes gone I almost feel grief?
I think I am going too have too do a ritual too get her back, and also dedicate my soul too Satan again so I can once more feel his power, but that being said why would he want a pathetic, weak, imbisiles soul like mine, iv nothing too offer anyone, I make everyone miserable, stressed, worried and im nothing but a burden.
Over the last year iv gone from this
I dont know who I am, what my purpose is, if im even real, my heads a fog of anger, flashbacks, sadness yet all I feel in my body is complete numbness. I am so confused and lonely Right Now.
Wake me up inside, call my name and save me from the dark