Well, today was an epic failure, I attempted too take myself into a very busy town centre as an experiment,
I was on the train when it began, the intense sense that I could hear the minds of the other passengers, they were all thinking about what a mess I was, how bad I looked, that they wanted too hurt me.
I plugged in my headphones and shut myself off, it worked slightly as the train was very quiet and there were few people on my carriage.
When I actually got too the town there was police in riot trucks everywhere ofc I chose the day where there was a fucking Irish language freedom thing which took up the majority of the high street, one corner was pro abortionists, the other was anti-abortionists with grotesque photos of dead and mangled pre term babies.
Then there were african christians shouting how we are all going too hell and some jehovas witnesses for good measure making it 10x more busy than usual.
I do not keep quiet about my deep rooted hatred for people, and with everyone bumping into me i found myself ramming them twice as hard, resulting in the odd altercation.
I like too keep my social life closed, i do not go too pubs, clubs, or even have any friends, i keep my socialising limited too online unless i really have too go out.
I managed too get a few things that i needed but not everything which is frustrating…
I plan on dying my hair tomorrow red and violet, iv no idea how its going too turn out i have been red and blue before but that was on bleached hair it looks more red and black but it was midnight blue.
I find changing my hair theraputic and it helps balance my mood, today I hate myself as much as I hate other people! I went into lush cosmetics for 1 bathbomb… got bombared by about 3 members off staff I had too walk out it was ridiculous.
Anyway the title of the blog is in regards too the fact I was going too disapear into the sunset for a while but my anxiety and anti-socialness soon stopped that. But hey I got proper root beer….
My need too hurt myself is still there but for now I resist…how long for I cannot know.
I’ve become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is so deep, so palpable, I fear I’ll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection.- Jax Teller