Death is no longer something i fear.
I fear the apprehension, IE; knowing you are going to die
But the event itself does not scare me.
We live in a truly beautiful world and there is so much i want to see, do & explore, but I just dont see any hope in the future.
My plan is in motion yet I still feel nothing, no fear, no guilt, no anger just numbness.
I called lifeline last night who managed to distract me from self harming
And I will try one more time, if I get refered to a&e I will see what happens, If I get failed once more im going to do it.
Leaving my children breaks my heart but they deserve a stable family, not someone who is so depressed they can barely take care of themselves.
So it looks like this may not be a 365 day blog challenge afterall I guess it depends on the outcome of the services.
SIDE NOTE i do not plan on doing anything tonight for now I am safe.
Im failing at being a wife
Im failing at blogging
Im failing at motherhood
Im failing Me
Im failing my family
Im failing at work
Im failing at being a friend
Im failing to maintain appointments
Im failing at losing weight
Im failing at life
Im a disgusting. Broken, used, abused, useless, lazy, ugly, repulsivly fat peice of shit that doesnt deserve life.
I. Dont. Want. To. Be. Here. Anymore.
I need to end this, do you believe in reincarnation? That once your physical body dies your spirit enters another vessel?
What vessel would you chose? I would chose a giant oak tree so i can obserb the world for 100s of years, know all the stories all the secrets of the earth.
Or a falcon, flying high above the grand canyon witnessing everything but worrying about nothing.
I feel numb
Disconnected, like I am in this little bubble watching everything from the inside out
I feel I should be sad yet i feel nothing.
The anxiety is crippling me.
Guys i want to apologise i have been slacking lately,
Things are going from bad to worse, one of my biggest fears maybe coming true and I just dont know what to do.
I thought this time whilst the kids were away i could get my ex partner out of the house now circumstances have arisen in regards to my children and that is no longer possible.
Im also tired of people talking to me then cutting me out, and I have realised a guy who i thought was a friend I actually love, and have done for a long time now i have lost him to his new GF he doesnt even awknowledge me.
My life is melting in front of me, everything i feared would go wrong has gone wrong.
And im lost. Being honest with services that i am supposed to trust is no longer an option they have betrayed me in the worst way.
It’s caving in around me
What I thought was solid ground
I tried to look the other way
But I couldn’t turn around
It’s OK for you to hate me
For all the things I’ve done
I’ve made a few mistakes
But I’m not the only one
Step away from the ledge
I’m coming down
I know i know iv been really slacking lately!! Ive been so exhausted i think its the meds my sertraline has been increased and I feel like im becoming that lifeless zombie again.
Im back on POF and am on Badoo and iv actually met some really decent people even if it only is 3 out of like 100s they seem genuine and even if theres nothing romantic its good to have new friends.
In other news the kids are away on tuesday for 3 weeks, and during that time im converting my daughters room into a joint room for her and my son, and there dad can have my sons room.
He refuses to leave so this is the next best thing i cant move on while sharing a bed with my ex, im also going to be filing for.divorce.
Im still on sick due back on the 2nd and im just gunner keep my head down and work and make money.
In the meantime il maybe have some harmless fun 😉
Today has been pretty pointless, applied for more jobs, tidied up a little,
Had a headache so I took 2x 30/500 cocodamol with this tablet that apparently makes medication work faster, 2 glasses of Lambrini later im exhausted!! Double vision the lot.
I keep getting urges to go out and party and put myself in dangerous situations but the lack of money prevents that which i suppose is a good thing, im not sure if i want sex, or to just be close to someone. Primarily my husband.
Not had much of an appetite either today, spoke to my manager she confirmed my net pay this month is just over £1000 but next month my sickness will be deducted so i need to get my arse in gear.
Not much else to report tbh dont think il be long going to bed
Mood is still low dont wana be here.